I suppose quite a few people fear the tax man. And of course, who wants to get audited? But for some people, say - like myself, getting a visit from the tax man is a TIME HONORED TRADITION.

[Tax Man]: (Seven), you can probably imagine why I'm here.

[Seven]: I have been expecting you.

[Tax Man]: Just briefly, we found this little discrepency in your tax filings.

[Seven]: Which one?

[Tax Man]: The one where you claim the country of Angola as your dependant. Not someone in Angola, the ENTIRE COUNTRY OF ANGOLA.

[Seven]: *shrugs* Think of how much money I would have saved if I could have claimed that.

[Tax Man]: I bought a whole new box of surgical gloves just for YOUR full body cavity search.

[Seven]: Excuse me, I have to step outside and achieve never-before seen speeds in the "From Here To Elsewhere" Marathon.

[Tax Man]: We have dogs.

[Seven]: Ha! I have a rhinoceros!

[Tax Man]: Apparently, only listed as a dependant. You cannot claim your parakeet as a rhinoceros.



So as you can see from last year's example, the Tax Man and I get quite a lot of quality time together. We'll be seeing each other again this year.

The Icicle Works - The Icicle Works - Birds Fly (Whisper To A Scream)

7 ___ <----Standoff between me & Tax Man.

we will plug in the electric rawhide toaster slinky

One of the coolest things about my life is that I have the most awesome family. And don't think for a second I take them for granted. I love my family, and realize that so many others out there come from families who could - I'll put this tactfully - use some "together time."

For instance, I get conversations with my brother like this:

[The names have been changed to increase your understanding]

(Six Is Brighter): I've got two dead people in my car.
(Seven Is Darker): Awesome. Were they in the way?
(Six): Yup.
(Seven): Tsk. They never learn, do they?

And sometimes it goes off like this....

12:35:04 AM (Seven): Porn does what do a guy?
12:35:34 AM (Six): ...What?
12:36:30 AM (Seven): Porn does what to a guy?
12:36:40 AM (Six): Make him aroused?
12:37:03 AM (Seven): Maybe. But it could also turn him into a duck.
12:38:43 AM (Seven): Porn turns men into ducks.
12:40:00 AM (Six): Go on....
12:40:13 AM (Seven): Ducks that QUACK.
12:40:32 AM (Seven): And my oh my what rampant QUACKING they engage in.
12:41:07 AM (Six): Go on....
12:41:10 AM (Seven): A sort of.....SINFUL....QUACKING.
12:41:49 AM (Seven): QUACKING that really makes one think about one's self-worth.
12:42:36 AM (Six): When watching porn?
12:42:53 AM (Seven): Yes. With the ducks and the QUACKING.

I don't think I can put commentary on that sort of a conversation.

I think the most hilarious outcome of this blog post, and quite possibly the biggest validation of my existence and influence in the world - will be some man, somewhere, QUACKING IN MY NAME WHILE WATCHING PORN.

Can you imagine the scene? It's a dark room, and there's this guy sitting on a couch, bathed in the flickering light of a cathode ray tube television. All you can see is the one guy on the couch, and his television. Practiced moans and motions play out on the screen as the actors play out (their?) sexual fantasies.

"Oh John!"
"Oh Marsha!"
"OH JOHN!"
"OH MARSHA!"

And ever so casually, intruding upon our small little worlds, we can see - and hear the man on the couch, "QUACK."

And if this were an insurance ad, he's say, "Aflack (r)!"

Apoptygma Berzerk - 7 - Non-Stop Violence

7

I am dancing with the trains

I.com am.com not.com dead.com!

I.com just.com have.com been.com assigned.com more.com hours.com by.com my.com place.com of.com work.com! More.com hours.com means.com more.com money.com! Money.com is.com good.com!

How.com many.com of.com you.com believe.com that.com this.com is.com an.com inpenetrable.com haze.com of.com gibberish.com?

How.com many.com of.com you.com really.com feel.com like.com punching.com me.com right.com now.com?

This.com blog.com post.com reminds.com me.com of.com the.com mid-90's.com. Back.com when.com everything.com was.com .com.

Clan Of Xymox - Creatures - Jasmine And Rose

7

our cat has a boat

BONUS ROUND!!! For putting up with all of my inanity above, you get a random quote from one of my favorite shows. Enjoy!

"Dean, I'm going to turn around now, and you'd better be on fire. You're standing there in flames, and the only person who can put you out is me. Because that is the ONLY CONCEIVABLE REASON WHY YOU WOULD WAKE ME UP LIKE THIS!!!"

7

This is in all seriousness, a public service announcement.

Whatever you do, WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO, do not chase a tuna and garlic sandwich with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and orange juice. You will not be happy.

We're just going to chalk this one up to a "life experience."

Serious Sam 2

7

arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill

A "friend" of mine recently complained that my answer machine message was too long. Yes, I'll admit that twenty seconds may seem long nowadays.

My original phone message went something like this:

"Hi there, this is (Seven's) computer. It is another typical day in the (Seven) family household. The wife is cooking supper. The children are playing checkers. And (Seven) is feeding the goldfish. But sadly, the children are nothing more than wharf rats, scurrying about the living room. The wife is an escaped convict. And the goldfish is really a potato in a bowl of water. If you would like to join (Seven's) hallucinatory lifestyle, please leave your name and number, and the name of what you are currently smoking."

My new message is as follows:

"Hi there, this is (Seven's) computer. (Seven) is currently juggling hamsters. Release the monkey."

I'm hoping that this truncated version of my diabolical answering machine system pleases more people.

The Cure - Disintegration - Lullaby

7 <------I don't know why this emoticon is still available.

alive, but without permission