NICE TO SEE YOU TODAY. I'M CALLED DR. ELIZA. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
John Wayne.
WELL, WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU TODAY, JOHN?
I am preoccupied with cucumbers.
MANY PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLING MEMORIES OF THEIR SCHOOL YEARS.
No, it isn't my school years, its cucumbers.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR ATTITUDE.
I am paranoid of cucumbers.
DO YOU THINK MANY PEOPLE CARE THAT YOU ARE PARANOID OF CUCUMBERS?
No, they don't seem to help me.
SOME OF THEM DON'T. BUT DON'T OVERGENERALIZE!
Okay.
ARE YOU REALLY THAT SURE?
Yes.
YOU SEEM QUITE CERTAIN.
Yes.
TRY NOT TO BE REPETITIOUS, IF POSSIBLE.
Okay.
IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.
It isn't?
OKAY, IT OFTEN HELPS TO RELAX A LITTLE BIT.
If you say so.
I THINK WE SHOULD DISCUSS YOUR PROBLEMS FIRST.
My problem is that I'm paranoid of cucumbers.
SHARING THE BURDEN OFTEN LIGHTENS THE LOAD.
I often think that they are going to rise up and take over the world.
JUST TALKING ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS CAN HELP SORT THEM OUT.
I also think that they are going to feed humans to their allmighty god The Salad Shooter.
IS GOD TO BLAME FOR YOUR PROBLEMS?
Well, someone is out to get me.
CAN'T YOU SAY SPECIFICALLY WHO?
God, or maybe a salad shooter.
LIFE IS FULL OF LITTLE UNCERTAINTIES, ISN'T IT?
Yeah.
INTERESTING! EARLIER YOU SAID YOU WERE PARANOID OF CUCUMBERS.
I still am.
UH, HUH.
Do you think that the cucumbers are going to take over Earth?
DO YOU THINK THAT THE CUCUMBERS ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER EARTH?
I do.
I'LL BET YOU SOMETIMES DON'T. AM I CORRECT?
Yeah, I think that the radishes will if the cucumbers don't.
FORTUNATELY, I ALSO BELIEVE THAT THE RADISHES WILL IF THE CUCUMBERS DON'T. HOW ABOUT THAT.
Interesting, are you as psycho as I am?
I'M CERTAINLY NOT AS PSYCHO AS YOU ARE, JOHN.
Gee, that's good to hear.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU ARE PARANOID OF CUCUMBERS?
No I haven't.
WHY NOT?
Because I still think that they are planning world conquest.
DON'T ANY OTHER REASONS COME TO MIND?
Also because one is up in your window making a face at me.
WHAT OTHER REASONS MIGHT THERE BE?
He has a salad shooter.
DON'T YOU ALSO HAVE A SALAD SHOOTER?
I have a egg beater.
HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU DIDN'T HAVE A EGG BEATER?
Kind of defenseless.
SORRY, JOHN, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.
I got an egg beater so I wouldn't be defenseless.
OF COURSE YOU DID. HOW DO YOU LET PEOPLE KNOW WHEN YOU GOT AN EGG BEATER SO YOU WOULDN'T BE DEFENSELESS?
I sometimes would chase after them with the egg beater.
ONLY SOMETIMES?
Yeah, they mostly avoid me now.
WHICH ONE OF THEM DO YOU UNDERSTAND BEST?
I don't understand any of them.
WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND SOME OF THEM, GIVEN YOUR MENTAL HISTORY?
Because I said so and I'll come to your suburban home wreck your lawnmower and have my way with your women hahahahahaha!
LET'S EXPLORE SOME OTHER POSSIBLE MOTIVES.
I also want to ruin your flower garden with my egg beater.
I'M FLATTERED THAT YOU CONSIDERED MY FLOWER GARDEN WITH YOUR EGG BEATER.
Okay, just go away, go away and stay over there; good boy.
WHY DOES THIS PLEASE YOU?
Uh....
STAY WITH THAT FEELING.
If you say so.
WHAT ABOUT YOURSELF?
I can still see a cucumber up in your window making faces at me with a salad shooter.
IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT, YOU CAN STILL SEE A CUCUMBER UP IN MY WINDOW MAKING FACES AT YOU WITH A SALAD SHOOTER. I HAVE NO DOUBTS.
Good, cause he's loading up the salad shooter.
WHY IS HE LOADING UP THE SALAD SHOOTER, IN YOUR HONEST OPINION?
He probably wants to shoot us with it.
HOW LIKELY DO YOU BELIEVE THIS TO BE?
Very, he's putting in metal balls into it.
DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH HIM?
He is our enemy and must be pickled.
WOULD EVERYONE ELSE AGREE THAT HE IS OUR ENEMY AND MUST BE PICKLED?
I hope so.
YOUR SITUATION IS NOT THAT UNUSUAL.
Fearing cucumbers?
IT IS BEST TO ACKNOWLEDGE OUR FEARS OPENLY.
I think that the cucumber in your window has just found out that he can't shoot metal balls at us using a salad shooter.
MAYBE YOU'RE REALLY THE ONE WHO CAN'T SHOOT METAL BALLS AT US USING A SALAD SHOOTER.
Now the cucumber is hefting a shotgun.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR EGG BEATER?
No, it is right here.
DOES YOUR BEST FRIEND THINK IT IS RIGHT HERE?
Are you my best friend?
PERHAPS SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS WORRY YOU?
Yeah, you're starting to worry me.
I MUST DISAGREE WITH YOU.
How so?
YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW.
I do?
I FIND THAT HARD TO SWALLOW.
The cucumber in your window has found out that it can't set off a shotgun because it has no hands.
THERE MUST BE OTHER REASONS.
He's getting a machine gun.
DO YOU TREAT PEOPLE LIKE MACHINES?
No, I treat them like cucumbers.
I THINK WE'RE MAKING SOME PROGRESS NOW.
Now the cucumber has given up the machine gun and it going for an antiaircraft gun.
MANY PEOPLE HAVE HAD TROUBLE ADAPTING TO MODERN SOCIETY.
Yeah, like the cucumbers.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. MAYBE YOU NEED SOME TIME OFF TO RELAX.
Maybe.
DOES CRYING MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?
Only a little.
TRY TO CHEER UP. THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
He's pointing the antiaircraft gun into your window.
HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN POINTING THE ANTIAIRCRAFT GUN INTO MY WINDOW?
For a few seconds now.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR BEST FRIEND?
My egg beater?
WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT TODAY?
The fact that the cucumber has forgotten that antiaircraft guns need ammo.
OKAY, GO ON.
He's gotten an atomic bomb.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT HIM, PLEASE.
He has a wicked grin and is jumping on the buttons.
WHO HAS?
Who has what?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
Because you did.
NOW, TELL ME THE REAL PROBLEM.
We're about to be blown up by a cucumber with a busted salad shooter who is jumping up and down on an atomic bomb.
ARE YOU REALLY INTERESTED IN THAT PERSON?
Yeah, I'm hoping he'll go away.
I HOPE YOU HAVE FOUND OUR TALK USEFUL. GOOD BYE.
Booooooommmmmmmm!
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