What is it about me that feels the compulsory need to take advantage of stupid people? Could it be the magnificent intelligence gap? Could Anya be right about me enjoying the preying upon mindless people? Perhaps I am evolution's right hand man? Or perhaps I am simply trying to prevent another George Bush?

Maybe all of these and more.

But for now, I'll leave the reasons to the philosophers, and I'll continue going around, telling gullible children that these giant plastic bags I have are really cloaks of invisibility.


Glis - Balance - Resolution (Z Prochek Mix)

7

what have i told you about shoving things into people's ears

It's been a rather wet summer here in Oregon. We're talking about a humidity closer to south eastern USA style. I'll grant you Georgia and Florida have humidities of up to 120%, but we've gotten quite a few days where the humidity was 85%.

Consequently, Anya and our kids were sitting in front of the air conditioner for pretty much the whole week. All attempts to move them result in pain.

So while the family's sprawled in front of the AC, I have no choice but to go silently mad and become a champion of the people.

Tonight, I visit the offices of Exxon, BP, Chevron, Arco, 76, and ConocoPhilips, with a tire iron and my favorite "Taste The Chrome" t-shirt.


Lights Of Euphoria - Krieg Gegen Die Machinen - Fly To Target (Shellshox Remix)

7

the grotesque monster avoids the issues

I'm one of those guys who keep things until they disintegrate in your hands. I wear clothes with holes in them. I still have my first blanket and bedroom fan. I still have this little fake tiger tail that with a long-dried out elastic band that you were originally supposed to slip into the clasp of a baseball cap - you know, the ones from the 80's that had the plastic pop-in buttons at the back.

I also have these boots that look like they've been road-hauled over rough concrete. And the shoelaces are falling apart.

So, one of these past days, I was going out food shopping with Her Royal Fuzzbutt (who was being a good girl and adopted her human form for me), when my shoelaces were slipping and sliding around in the shoe, being generally irritating. Like any rational person, I stop, kneel down, and try to adjust the laces, while Anya goes on, attracted by the scent of fresh-cut meat.

This man, probably in his late forties, maybe fifties, comes up to me and asks me, "You tying your shoes?"

I know, I know. Captain Obvious has struck again. But never you fear, dear readers - Mr. Darker simply does not do the mundane.

"No, in my haste to get going on this shopping trip, I stuck my foot into the mouth of a god that was taking the form of a shoe. And this whole time, he's been trying to bite my foot off at the ankle. However, I think I've got him under control - see - I've got his tongue out of his mouth. If he tries to bite off my foot, he'll bite off his own tongue, too."

And then the unthinkable happened. Captain Obvious asked, "Really?"

Without missing a beat, I stood up. "Yes, and Shoegod thinks that you should be showing more respect for a god engaged in battle with a titan."

Captain Obvious looked skeptical, "How do I know if your shoe is a god? If it's a god, then it must know which foot of mine is wearing the red sock."

It must be his right foot. I stomped on it as hard as I could. Through the tears and the hopping and clutching of his foot, Captain Obvious stared in wonder at my right boot, and exclaims, "Wow! It knew! How is that possible?!"

I gesture to my right boot, "Well? Aren't you going to kneel before the Shoegod?"

And more amazing than most other events in my life, the man went down on his knees and prayed towards my shoes. I stood there, both bemused and stunned, with a totally justified egomaniacal feeling running all throughout my nerves.

Of course, this is a grocery store, so someone notices. This truck-driver, who had gone to great lengths to perpetuate the stereotypical truck-driver appearance with the flannel shirt, old baseball cap, and dirty jeans, looks at the kneeling suburbanite and is, of course, curious. "What the hell is goin' on here?!"

By know, Captain Obvious has descended fully into the acolyte stage. "He's got a Shoegod on his foot!"

The trucker looks at my shoes, puts his hands on his hips in an "I'm-in-charge-and-I-don't-believe-you" stance and drawls, "A sheeewgawd? Well, if that there is a sheeewgawd, then it must know what tooth o' mine is all bad and needs to come out, but nobody's pulled it because dentists don' want to go near mah mouth."

So I kicked him in the face. And lo and behold, after the trucker is able to see and has stopped choking, in his hands were three yellow and black teeth. "Well tarnation! I guess there was more than one! Hey everybody! There's a god on this here feller's foot!"

It was about five minutes later when I had a crowd praying to my feet. Anya comes up, looks at me, looks at the crowd, looks at me again, looks at the crowd again, and asks, "Do I really want to know?"

Because Anya is a much more manageable size when not all fuzzy, I grab her shoulder and pull her close, whispering, "I've managed to convince the first guy there that I had a god on my foot by stomping on his foot wearing the red sock. And then I kicked the trucker in the face, and solved his bad tooth problem. Pretty much everyone else just toed the line."

Anya looked at me, looked at the crowd, looked at me again, and looked at the crowd again. She whispered back, the smell of meat heavy on her breath, "You mean to tell me that you got this crowd of worshippers by kicking and stomping people?"

I had to smile. "Uh-huh."

Anya looked at me, looked at the crowd, looked at me again, and looked at the crowd again. She whispered, "You realize I can't kneel in vront of you again, now."

Dammit.


Siouxsie And The Banshees - Juju - Sin In My Heart

7

you feel it first... in your scrotum

Now, please consider that this conversation was with someone I've been a friend of for a few years.

Person: "Hey, [Seven], what's this?"

{Shows me a box of Epson Color Ink Cartridges, with a print of a guitar on the example photos.}

Seven: "That's a box of ink cartridges."

Person: {Looks confused for a few seconds} "For a guitar?"

Seven: "Why yes, that's one of those guitar faxes. Someone sends you a fax, and you have to strum a tune on the guitar to receive it. And these are the replacement ink cartridges.

Person: {Looks silently at the package.}

Seven: "Of course, the catch is that if you don't strum out the right tune, you don't get the fax."

Person: {Looks at the cartridges for a few more seconds} "You're feeding me something, aren't you?

Seven: "Why yes, yes I am! How long did you believe me?"

Person: "Well, I couldn't be sure. You know, the pace of technology these days..."

Up until the last second, I had him believing that there was something called a guitar fax. Anya had to laugh, and smacked me upside the head for being mean to my friends. A good day, altogether.


Paul Oakenfold - The Goa Mix

7

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

If

EVER

there was somethnig that could have its' way with ame (more so than Anya) it would be "Stone Imperial Russian Stout." I'm half Ukraine, so I tned to have more of a taaste for these things. But Imprial Russinan  Stuout  totoalll y 0wnwss me. Atfter drinking more than a pint of the sutff, with the room swiimngin and the floor bineg so comfortable, I tend to... I don't know.

But i now longer live alone. NOw Iv'e got AnYa. And she can smell alcholo a mile awya. But she is so unserderstanding. my head is ufll of stouat, and she pick emy up like a doll. I'm inm y charia and my faice is up aginagst her bredstsas. Warmand rond. and I cna hear her talkging to me :

"whos my little duncikne boy?!"
"OW!"
"just bgecaucse you cn'at feel ayour onwn fac e dones't mean I cn't afeel your tteth!"
"Wju are yupi sp dirml?!"

Evantualolay Anya sotps wobblbing, and I cna hear her in mey eears, "Why do you dirnk? You know I 'm her efo ryou."

I think i said, "I wnatg to rule the world, and they are so unwrothy. All of them. What make shtem think they dieserve me as their leader?!"

I got a big hug, she squishe dme agaginst her soft body.

"I wnat you to know, athta I lvoe you and I do this because I love you."

I got onwe more press against her warm body, and then the floor came upa gain.

"Children! The IceBucketS!!!!!"




OH DEAR GOD DOES EIGHT BUCKETS OF ICE WATER WITH ICE CUBES HURT WHEN THEY'RE DUMPED ON YOUR FACE.

Eiffel 65 - Europop - I'm Blue

7

well now, don't quote me on this, but I still believe there was a ring that loved to listen to the radio