Every now and again, I'll realize that I OWN THINGS. I know, I know, it is hard to realize. Somewhere out there, a director of the secret society "Neurocam International" is reading this and thinking to his panicked self, "Holy $#!%. How the HELL did he get money?!"

Today, I discovered that I owned:

1) An original Discgear "Discus 22" I bought from the California State Fair in 1998.

2) Two mannequin arms from the 1970s. (Bendable iron rods covered in foam padding and woven fabric!)

3) The computer game "QIN Warriors."

4) A 20 Megabyte Bernoulli disk.

5) A can of two year old Sloppy Joe mix (actually, Anya found that - poor girl.)

6) A number of power transformers for totally unknown electronics I might have owned in the past.

7) A four year old printer that hasn't been used in four years. (I had to clean the ink jets at least ten times for it to work.)

8) A 15-year old eraser. (One that isn't made anymore! A "Pen/Pencil" eraser! One half is the regular polymer-based rubber, and the other half has mineral particulate in it.)

9) A "Hotel Meridian - San Francisco" matchbox with two matches in it. (The match heads are a brilliant azure.)

10) A six-foot-circumference hollow iron ball on an industrial chain with foot-long spikes.

11) One "Holographic Lollipop" from LightVision Confections LLC, made in 1997. I've never opened the package. Cthulu knows what it looks like now.

12) A solid-stainless-steel pen I got from a Nikon sales rep.


And now, as I hear the sound of a rather large canine retching in the bathroom, it would be... gentlemanly... of me to at least pat her on the back and hold her ears back.



The Icicle Works - The Best Of - Birds Fly (Whisper To A Scream)

7

what greasy language

I'm just writing this to let you all know that I'm going to sleep now.


Second Sight (A) - Emotional Screening Device - The Frozen Autumn

7

name the young man's finger

I know that you lie awake at night. Some of you just can't sleep. You have a case of "weltschmerz," you're depressed because you're feeling the "pain of the world." Most of you are lying there in bed, and thinking of the craziest things, most of which are overwhelmingly true.

I can see every last one of you, lying around, thinking, "Somewhere on the Internet, there's a guy selling a foot-long glass penis."

Well, I get to be one of those people. I suppose you guys are free to buy it if you want.



http://portland.craigslist.org/wsc/art/316912194.html



Let's Groove - Raise! - Earth, Wind & Fire

7

oh, speak, speak, news bumpy language doctor

Epilogue

Portland, Oregon - Inside my private loft in a skyscraper to remain unnamed for the viewing public, the sun poured into my open window-walls and through my multitude of plants, warming me pleasantly. This was especially welcome, as I was wearing only a man-thong, and a dog collar with a silk rope leading to Anya's paw. All in all, she was very nice with her how she wanted to spend her day with me as her servant.

Right now, we were at the point where she was lying on one of my massive bean-bag chairs, and I was to feed her Standford's (c) "Swedish Baby Back Ribs" (tm) by dipping the individual ribs into her muzzle so she could suck the meat off the bones. If she got any sauce on her face, I was to clean it up with my tongue. And the whole time, she wanted me to rub her belly, very slowly, in a clockwise rotation. So far, nothing beneath my dignity. But she just HAD TO see me in a pink man-thong.

It was at this point, the Inner Circle decided to visit. Of course, bug-eyed stares were expected. A few moment of silence passed before Mr. Fisk smiled, "You lost a bet, didn't you?"

I shook my head and sighed, "No, no. I promised Anya that if she helped us out against Sagacity, she would get me as her servant for a day." Kristin pointed, "And that entailed you wearing a pink thong?"

I pointed at Anya with narrowed eyes. She shrugged her furry shoulders, "What can I say? I had to see him wear them." She grabbed the thong and yanked, "Doesn't he look adorable?!"

Mr. Fisk raised his eyebrows. "He looks emasculated."

"Thanks," I wryly shot back, "Anyhow, friends, that was an absolutely marvelous performance. I couldn't be prouder of you. Your payment of the local authorities and citizenry to stay away from the area was flawless, the timing of your angles of attack were impeccable. I watched the video from the cameras, and....I just couldn't be more pleased. It was a shame that the DVR recording this ran out of hard drive space shortly after Anya and Nightbug vaporized Sagacity."

Kristin raised a finger, "Actually, Seven - the DVR - that was us." Everyone had a grin on their face, Mr. Fisk, Mr. Warlock, Kristin, Nightbug....even Anya.

"Wait, what do you mean...'that was you?'" Nightbug produced a portable media player and handed it to me. I sucked the bbq sauce off my fingers and grabbed it. On the screen was the bird's-eye view of the torn-apart warehouse, with its empty floor, save for myself, and the Inner Circle. The sound played back, "I only.....URRRGGGGGHHHHH......" I could see Anya being affected by the four Lunarstones, and then come right at me. The Inner Circle backed off, and Anya grabbed me - yanking me into the air like I was a doll.

It was then I had no choice but to open my eyes, and that's when the Lunarstones won over me. Where I was, a charcoal-grey werewolf burst out of my skin and clothes in Anya's hands. Seconds passed, and then Anya shoved me to the ground, leapt into the air, and came down on me.

What followed was the most savage rendition of any sexual act I've ever seen. My fingers were frozen around the portable media player as I couldn't believe my eyes and ears. I could see Kristin pointing at me with my peripheral vision, "Hahahahaha! Look, his ears are turning beet red!"

Mr. Fisk squatted down next to me. "We were having a hard time trying to come up with a name for this. We had some suggestions, like, 'Funky Cold-Nose Medina,' 'Who Let The Dogs Fuck?' and 'Naughty Dogs (Need Love Too).' We were hoping you could come up with a more creative title for us."

I stared agape at what appeared to be more than an hour's worth of moon-induced sexual savagery. And on the film, my Inner Circle was standing around, watching, cheering, and COMMENTATING. Even Mr. Higgins and Papa-san were dancing on the armored bulldozer, singing, "Do a little dance, make a little love... Get down tonight!"

Anya's clawed finger pushed my mouth closed, "I DEFINITELY got more than you bargained for,  Mr. World Dominator."

I looked up at the grinning Inner Circle. "This.....this has to be the most flagrant piece of blackmail I've ever seen."

Mr. Fisk's grin, if possible, became wider, "We have a few demands. I've got some side projects I would like to run....."

"Run them."

General Warlock held his hand to his chin as if he were in deep thought, "I don't need much, I just wanted my own Chocobo Farm...."

"Pick the place."

Nightbug crossed her arms and smiled, "I want to have more discretion in making the public's stupidity more painful."

"At least make it look like an accident."

Kristin held up a fat keychain full of car ignition keys. "I get to drive. And sing. With cheesecake."

I pointed to everyone else, "The singing you're going to have to clear with them as well."

I threw the portable media player into a desk drawer. "You realize that these concessions are contingent upon that movie never seeing the light of day, right?"

Kristin crossed her arms, "Of course. But, just in case, we also have an agent who has been sworn to secrecy, sitting in a random location somewhere on the planet with a copy just ready to post on Youtube (r) in case you welsh on the deal."

I had to smile, "You ARE good. No wonder I love working with the lot of you.

I grabbed the wine glasses that sat nearby and filled them with whatever bubbly Anya had chosen. After handing them out, I raised my glass, "Here's to friendship, good times, and our powers that be. The world, ladies and gentlemen, belongs to us!"

A hard yank on the silk rope, and Anya tipped my drink into her own mouth. She pulled me even closer, "And until the end of the day, you... belong... to... me."

Mr. Fisk set his empty glass down on one of the coffee tables. "Been great seeing you, Seven. Looks like you've got your paws... I mean hands... full for the rest of the evening. Say, Miss Anya? Do you have a sister?"

"Why yes! Several! We have a very large family."

Nightbug pipped up, "Any single guys in that large family?"

Anya nodded enthusiastically. "I'll get you two set up."

When the small talk had finished, and the Inner Circle had left, Anya smiled at me. "Now, there's something I've always wanted someone special to do to me."

I covered and massaged my eyes, "I can hardly wait."

She reached behind the bean-bag chair, opened a cooler, and pulled out a large slab of bloody meat. "I want you to rub this all over my body. Everywhere, mister."

I gingerly grabbed the meat. Holding it like a large sponge, I started massaging her with it. She closed her eyes and relaxed, "Of course, you'll have to clean me up afterwards."

"I figured."

"And you're going to pant like a happy little wolfie while you do it."

I paused, "Ohhh-kay...."

Reaching around the bean-bag, she yanked out a hard-drive camcorder, "While I record it!"



THE END!! FOR NOW!!


Depeche Mode - Ultra - Freestate

7

tossed out of the golden playpen

On cue, a sharp crack echoed through the warehouse. Right behind Sagacity loomed the massive figure of none other than The Kingpin - Mr. Fisk. In his right hand was his ornate cane, and the in the left, was my Smith & Wesson 500 Mag. Sagacity turned around and almost jumped.

Mr. Fisk handed my gun, butt first, to Sagacity, "Pleased to meet you. Here. You're going to want this in a few minutes."

I could hear Sagacity's claws click against the metal of the gun. "You hear that Seven? Your own Crime Overlord is already joining my side!"

"Okay," Mr. Fisk boomed, "Let's get something straight, Assclown. Mr. Darker does NOT pay me to shoot people. That is why I have Bullseye in my employ. This gun, with the one bullet inside, is for after Bullseye blows off all your limbs except for your right hand. You can consider that my gesture of mercy for the day."

I heard the gun cock. I knew what Sagacity's reaction would be, and had told Mr. Fisk earlier. I could hear from Mr. Fisk, "Mr. Darker was absolutely right. You have no imagination. You can fire that bullet at me, if you think that a bullet is going to stop me."

I could hear a muffled yelp and the snapping of bones. Already the others were making their moves. Another snap. And then another.

A sharp rending of metal rung out. According to my plans, that would be the beak of a giant Golden Chocobo, ridden by none other than General Adam Warlock 2099. The whole room erupted with gunfire, to be countered with the sounds of materia crackling across the room. Such a pity I couldn't see it.

The pandemonium sounded beautiful. I finally got to meet the silent neck-breaker as well. He bumped into my leg during the confusion. "Hey there, Papa-San. Are you enjoying yourself?"

"Damn straight!" Papa-San squeaked. "There's nothing better than breaking in a new set of nunchaku on a new set of heads."

I hope I looked like I was smiling with intense amusement. "Beautiful sentiments there. Don't forget to link up with Higgins."

"Right! Say, why are your eyes closed?"

"Because if I open them, those stones up there are going to shatter my will and turn me into a monster."

There was a pause, during which intense gunfire, magic, and human screams assaulted my ears. Papa-San tugged on my pant leg, "Uh, Mr. Darker, last I checked, this wasn't a dream."

"HIGGINS...NOW."

"Right."

I dared not move. Such a pity I couldn't watch this in person. I'll have to watch this all later from the cameras. I could hear the revving of a very powerful hemi engine. The plan involved all people who managed to escape Bullseye and General Warlock, were to be summarily run over by our very own driver, Kristin. We decided on a 1976 Charger. A nice, heavy car, with an enormous engine and a great 0-60 capability. Everybody has a little vehicular manslaughter in them.

The roaring of a far more powerful engine was what caught my attention. The time has come down to the big one. And I'm fairly certain Sagacity was getting the same feeling. "Minions!" Sagacity's voice contained a very scary volume of evil magic in it's tone, "Kill the humans! CRUSH ALL RESISTANCE!!!!"

The timing had to be perfect now. I couldn't see, but that may have been for the better. Only Mr. Fisk and General Warlock should be able to see what just came through the circle. General Warlock should be close to finishing the defector humans. In any case the time had to be now.

The shrieking of twisting metal was the signal. My own pride and joy (piloted by none other than a guinea pig by the name Mr. Higgins and Nightbug's Papa-san) a heavily armored bulldozer ten feet tall and twenty feet long, with a scoop that had the words, "Eat Me" painted across the twelve foot solid-metal monstrosity. If all went according to plan, they will have plowed down the wall directly behind where Sagacity should be standing.

"ANYA!! NOW!!!" I dropped to the floor as a certain wooden container shattered and out stepped a heavily blindfolded Anya, wielding a M134 7.62mm Minigun and over 70,000 rounds of armor-piercing ammunition. One more......"Anya! Fire!" I heard Nightbug's voice yell out. The plan was flawless. Nightbug had jumped out from her hiding spot, slammed on her sound suppressing earmuffs, and grabbed Anya's arms. She would be her eyes.

The high-pitched whine of the gun was instantly drowned out by the thundering roar of hundreds of bullets a second flying through the warehouse. It was so loud, I couldn't tell if carnage was being rendered unto the otherworldly horrors that had slipped into our world.

A minute of what amounted to a high-velocity stream of metal screaming overhead mercifully came to an end with the whooshing of a very powerful air. That was our victory. Bodies, and chunks of bodies flew past me, brushing against my back. When you're taken by a demon lord, you're taken... mind, soul, and body. And a slain demon lord's body and all its possessions are instantly brought back to its original plane of existence.

I got up, and listened around to the calming silence. Eventually, I could hear footsteps. The first one had a cane, the second set weighed eight hundred pounds, and the third and fourth were very light. A crash came from behind as Anya threw down the heavy gun in disgust. She's always loved a good, hard, bare-handed kill - a gun to her was a sign of weakness.

"Aw man, Seven, you should have seen it," Mr. Fisk exclaimed, "I got to show a demon lord who's the boss! One hand to break his wrist, a back-handed cane across his mouth, and he was ON HIS ASS!! Oh yeah. I'm THE KINGPIN."

I had to smile, "I trust everyone got a satisfactory slice of the action?" Up high I could hear General Warlock, "The summoning was truly righteous, Master Seven! I haven't dealt out a good thrashing like that in.... well... a long time." And Kristin's jubilant voice, "I got to drive! And sing!" I had to laugh as Nightbug gave her a high-five.

"I only.....URRRGGGGGHHHHH......" Anya's voice was cut short by a gurgling choke. My heart skipped a beat, "Guys and gals, get those Lunarstones out of here, I have to be able to see! What's going on? Somebody?!"

I heard Mr. Fisk breathe out, "Ohhhhhhh sheeeeyyyyyyitttt."

That wasn't good. "What's happening?! Tell me!!"

Clawed hands grabbed me by the shoulders and yanked me clean off the floor in an iron grip far too painful to for me to resist. I had to look.....

In front of me was a very feral, and unblinded Anya. If anything, she looked larger, meaner, and stronger than ever. And right behind her, was a beautiful baby-blue orb of Lunarstone.



Dean Grey - American Edit - Dr. Who On Holiday

7

as be cheese