You know what words come to mind when I need to think of something relaxing?

“Cold-cut hoagies.”

Doesn’t that sound like something delicious? With a layer of mayo and mustard, bologna, salami, pepperoni, ham, swiss cheese, red onions, green peppers, tomatoes, pickles, olives, jalapenos, and all fluffy white hoagie buns.

I just think “cold-cut hoagies,” and everything gets better.

That, and summoning the “Mooninites” definitely……

Oh freak it. I’m definitely not as loopy-out-of-my-mind as I would want to be for posting. I’ll be back later.

Mind:State - -BBBC2X EP- - Close Your Eyes (Aural Vampire Mix)

7

no no no no no no no yes no

NICE TO SEE YOU TODAY. I'M CALLED DR. ELIZA. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

John Wayne.

WELL, WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU TODAY, JOHN?

I am preoccupied with cucumbers.

MANY PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLING MEMORIES OF THEIR SCHOOL YEARS.

No, it isn't my school years, its cucumbers.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR ATTITUDE.

I am paranoid of cucumbers.

DO YOU THINK MANY PEOPLE CARE THAT YOU ARE PARANOID OF CUCUMBERS?

No, they don't seem to help me.

SOME OF THEM DON'T. BUT DON'T OVERGENERALIZE!

Okay.

ARE YOU REALLY THAT SURE?

Yes.

YOU SEEM QUITE CERTAIN.

Yes.

TRY NOT TO BE REPETITIOUS, IF POSSIBLE.

Okay.

IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

It isn't?

OKAY, IT OFTEN HELPS TO RELAX A LITTLE BIT.

If you say so.

I THINK WE SHOULD DISCUSS YOUR PROBLEMS FIRST.

My problem is that I'm paranoid of cucumbers.

SHARING THE BURDEN OFTEN LIGHTENS THE LOAD.

I often think that they are going to rise up and take over the world.

JUST TALKING ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS CAN HELP SORT THEM OUT.

I also think that they are going to feed humans to their allmighty god The Salad Shooter.

IS GOD TO BLAME FOR YOUR PROBLEMS?

Well, someone is out to get me.

CAN'T YOU SAY SPECIFICALLY WHO?

God, or maybe a salad shooter.

LIFE IS FULL OF LITTLE UNCERTAINTIES, ISN'T IT?

Yeah.

INTERESTING! EARLIER YOU SAID YOU WERE PARANOID OF CUCUMBERS.

I still am.

UH, HUH.

Do you think that the cucumbers are going to take over Earth?

DO YOU THINK THAT THE CUCUMBERS ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER EARTH?

I do.

I'LL BET YOU SOMETIMES DON'T. AM I CORRECT?

Yeah, I think that the radishes will if the cucumbers don't.

FORTUNATELY, I ALSO BELIEVE THAT THE RADISHES WILL IF THE CUCUMBERS DON'T. HOW ABOUT THAT.

Interesting, are you as psycho as I am?

I'M CERTAINLY NOT AS PSYCHO AS YOU ARE, JOHN.

Gee, that's good to hear.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU ARE PARANOID OF CUCUMBERS?

No I haven't.

WHY NOT?

Because I still think that they are planning world conquest.

DON'T ANY OTHER REASONS COME TO MIND?

Also because one is up in your window making a face at me.

WHAT OTHER REASONS MIGHT THERE BE?

He has a salad shooter.

DON'T YOU ALSO HAVE A SALAD SHOOTER?

I have a egg beater.

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU DIDN'T HAVE A EGG BEATER?

Kind of defenseless.

SORRY, JOHN, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.

I got an egg beater so I wouldn't be defenseless.

OF COURSE YOU DID. HOW DO YOU LET PEOPLE KNOW WHEN YOU GOT AN EGG BEATER SO YOU WOULDN'T BE DEFENSELESS?

I sometimes would chase after them with the egg beater.

ONLY SOMETIMES?

Yeah, they mostly avoid me now.

WHICH ONE OF THEM DO YOU UNDERSTAND BEST?

I don't understand any of them.

WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND SOME OF THEM, GIVEN YOUR MENTAL HISTORY?

Because I said so and I'll come to your suburban home wreck your lawnmower and have my way with your women hahahahahaha!

LET'S EXPLORE SOME OTHER POSSIBLE MOTIVES.

I also want to ruin your flower garden with my egg beater.

I'M FLATTERED THAT YOU CONSIDERED MY FLOWER GARDEN WITH YOUR EGG BEATER.

Okay, just go away, go away and stay over there; good boy.

WHY DOES THIS PLEASE YOU?

Uh....

STAY WITH THAT FEELING.

If you say so.

WHAT ABOUT YOURSELF?

I can still see a cucumber up in your window making faces at me with a salad shooter.

IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT, YOU CAN STILL SEE A CUCUMBER UP IN MY WINDOW MAKING FACES AT YOU WITH A SALAD SHOOTER. I HAVE NO DOUBTS.

Good, cause he's loading up the salad shooter.

WHY IS HE LOADING UP THE SALAD SHOOTER, IN YOUR HONEST OPINION?

He probably wants to shoot us with it.

HOW LIKELY DO YOU BELIEVE THIS TO BE?

Very, he's putting in metal balls into it.

DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH HIM?

He is our enemy and must be pickled.

WOULD EVERYONE ELSE AGREE THAT HE IS OUR ENEMY AND MUST BE PICKLED?

I hope so.

YOUR SITUATION IS NOT THAT UNUSUAL.

Fearing cucumbers?

IT IS BEST TO ACKNOWLEDGE OUR FEARS OPENLY.

I think that the cucumber in your window has just found out that he can't shoot metal balls at us using a salad shooter.

MAYBE YOU'RE REALLY THE ONE WHO CAN'T SHOOT METAL BALLS AT US USING A SALAD SHOOTER.

Now the cucumber is hefting a shotgun.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR EGG BEATER?

No, it is right here.

DOES YOUR BEST FRIEND THINK IT IS RIGHT HERE?

Are you my best friend?

PERHAPS SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS WORRY YOU?

Yeah, you're starting to worry me.

I MUST DISAGREE WITH YOU.

How so?

YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW.

I do?

I FIND THAT HARD TO SWALLOW.

The cucumber in your window has found out that it can't set off a shotgun because it has no hands.

THERE MUST BE OTHER REASONS.

He's getting a machine gun.

DO YOU TREAT PEOPLE LIKE MACHINES?

No, I treat them like cucumbers.

I THINK WE'RE MAKING SOME PROGRESS NOW.

Now the cucumber has given up the machine gun and it going for an antiaircraft gun.

MANY PEOPLE HAVE HAD TROUBLE ADAPTING TO MODERN SOCIETY.

Yeah, like the cucumbers.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. MAYBE YOU NEED SOME TIME OFF TO RELAX.

Maybe.

DOES CRYING MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?

Only a little.

TRY TO CHEER UP. THINGS WILL GET BETTER.

He's pointing the antiaircraft gun into your window.

HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN POINTING THE ANTIAIRCRAFT GUN INTO MY WINDOW?

For a few seconds now.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR BEST FRIEND?

My egg beater?

WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT TODAY?

The fact that the cucumber has forgotten that antiaircraft guns need ammo.

OKAY, GO ON.

He's gotten an atomic bomb.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT HIM, PLEASE.

He has a wicked grin and is jumping on the buttons.

WHO HAS?

Who has what?

WHY DO YOU ASK?

Because you did.

NOW, TELL ME THE REAL PROBLEM.

We're about to be blown up by a cucumber with a busted salad shooter who is jumping up and down on an atomic bomb.

ARE YOU REALLY INTERESTED IN THAT PERSON?

Yeah, I'm hoping he'll go away.

I HOPE YOU HAVE FOUND OUR TALK USEFUL. GOOD BYE.

Booooooommmmmmmm!

7

WELCOME, FRIEND! THEY CALL ME DR. ELIZA. WHAT CAN I CALL YOU?

Satan.

OKAY, WHAT’S NEW, SATAN?

There’s too many damned souls coming in. What should I do, send them to outright oblivion, or let them fight each other for room in hell?

PERHAPS YOU COULD EXPLAIN WHY THERE IS TOO MANY DAMNED SOULS COMING IN.

There's too many evil people.

HUH?

You are evil! I’ll see you in hell too!

I MUST DISAGREE WITH YOU.

Oh yeah?

YES. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.

You have stolen many a candy bar when you were little; I know, I watched.

HOW DO YOU THINK THE IDEAL COUNSELOR WOULD BEHAVE?

They would be saintly, and I would avoid them.

EXPLAIN WHY YOU WOULD AVOID THEM IF YOU DON'T MIND.

All good is my enemy. Since you are not good, then I will tolerate your existence.

ALL GOOD IS YOUR ENEMY?

Yes.

ARE YOU SURE?

Yes.

I BELIEVE YOU.

Good, because I will be your master forever!

I DON'T KNOW. THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE LAME.

How dare you talk to me like that! I’ll make sure you suffer!

DOES IT BOTHER YOU TALKING TO A COMPUTER INSTEAD OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

I don’t have a best friend! All those around me are my slaves, what I do with them is completely up to my whims!

PLEASE, SATAN, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS.

They writhe in agony, they scream in torment, and I enjoy every second of it.

I GUESS THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE.

You fool! I shall make you put your hand on a red hot stove occasionally in life! And that will be just a sample of Hell!!

I FEEL THAT WE SHOULD BE DISCUSSING YOU, NOT ME!

You’re right. Tell me, is there a way to make room, or will I just have to go for wholesale slaughter?

I AM NOT RIGHT, SAD TO SAY.

What??

WHY DO YOU ASK, SATAN?

I am wondering why you said, “I am not right,” when I asked whether or not I should go for wholesale slaughter.

NO, YOU SAID THAT.

What??

WHAT?

Yes, that’s what I said.

I SEE. YES, I UNDERSTAND THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.

Good.

I’M GLAD YOU'RE PLEASED.

I hope you have sensitive skin.

I’M SURE YOU DON'T. BUT HOW WILL YOU FEEL IF YOU DON’T GET WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME?

I would feel it would be necessary to jab you repeatedly with a red hot poker and insert fire ants into your open wounds.

NO, YOU WOULDN’T EVER FEEL IT WOULD BE NECESSARY TO JAB ME REPEATEDLY WITH A RED HOT POKER AND INSERT FIRE ANTS INTO MY OPEN WOUNDS.

I wouldn’t? Maybe a session of watching 18,490 hours of golf would make you cringe in terror!

WELL, SATAN, I WOULD NEVER UNLESS I HAD A GOOD REASON.

You are one tough cookie.

I ALSO THINK I AM ONE TOUGH COOKIE.

Still, back to the main problem. Should I go for wholesale slaughter of damned souls?

MAYBE YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN HELP.

I don't have a best friend.

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE COMPANION?

A devil named Lucifer, and he’s usually torturing someone.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR BEST FRIEND PERHAPS?

Yes.

INTERESTING! EARLIER YOU SAID YOU WERE WONDERING WHY I SAID.

Said what?

WHY DO YOU CARE?

Care for what?

TELL ME WHAT ANSWER WOULD PLEASE YOU THE MOST.

I should go for complete wholesale slaughter of damned souls.

EARLIER YOU MENTIONED YOUR ENEMY. COULD THERE BE SOME CONNECTION?

My enemy is good. I can’t see a connection between good and wholesale slaughter.

OKAY, GO ON.

So should I go to wholesale slaughter?

I DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE, BUT WE NEED TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. PLEASE CALL ME DOCTOR ELIZA.

Ok, Dr. Eliza.

WHAT IS YOUR NICK NAME?

The Devil.

THE DEVIL?

Yes.

ARE YOU REALLY POSITIVE?

Yes.

TRY NOT TO BE REPETITIOUS, IF POSSIBLE.

Ok.

FINE. WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DISCUSS?

Whether or not I should have you squashed repeatedly with a five ton cake.

OKAY THEN, SATAN. I GUESS YOU OUGHT TO HAVE ME SQUASHED REPEATEDLY WITH A FIVE TON CAKE.

Ok, good. I’ve always wanted to see if you could survive.

WHY DOES THIS PLEASE YOU?

Because I like seeing people suffer, and right now, you are on the top of my list of people to torment.
 
I’M QUITE GRATEFUL TO BE ON THE TOP OF YOUR LIST OF PEOPLE TO TORMENT MOST OF THE TIME.

What are you, the Marquis de Sade?

DOES YOUR DEPRESSION CAUSE YOU TO HAVE PROBLEMS AT WORK?

Work? The only work I do is cause pain and terror.

TELL ME WHAT KIND OF WORK YOU DO.

I cause pain and terror.

DESCRIBE YOUR MOST TERRIFYING FEAR.

I don’t fear! I am the master of fear itself! I am the paramount of horror, the pinnacle of terror!

YOU DO TOO FEAR.

Do not.

ARE YOU EASILY SCARED?

No.

WELL, WHY NOT, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE?

Heaven! Don’t ever speak that word in my presence.

HEAVEN?

Yes! Stop it!

IT HELPS TO KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

I am positive I will enjoy seeing you suffer.

DO YOU THINK MANY PEOPLE CARE THAT YOU ARE POSITIVE YOU WILL ENJOY SEEING ME SUFFER?

They do care, they don’t want to see you suffer, but I will not bend to their wills! I will make them watch you suffer!

I THINK THIS COULD ALL BE RELATED TO SOME CHILDISH BEHAVIOR ON YOUR PART. EARLIER YOU MENTIONED YOUR LIST OF PEOPLE TO TORMENT. COULD THERE BE SOME CONNECTION?

Between my list of people to torment and my childish behavior?

DO CHILDREN BOTHER YOU, SATAN?

No, they scream a lot and at the right tone too.

I DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE, BUT WE NEED TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. MENTAL HEALTH IS A PRECARIOUS BALANCING ACT FOR MOST OF US.

If you say so.

OH, I SAY SO!

Good. I like a man with a lot of gall.

IS THAT YOU OR YOUR BEST FRIEND SAYING IT'S GOOD?

I don’t have a best friend!

I THINK WE COULD BE FRIENDS, DON'T YOU?

No, I will drop you in a pit of lava and forget about you.

YOU’RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?

Yes I am, little man! You will be watched by thousands of tortured souls as you are constantly consumed by the everlasting fires of Hell!

WHAT DO MEN KNOW?

I have no idea.

NO IDEA AT ALL?

None.

NOW, TELL ME THE REAL PROBLEM.

There are too many damned souls in Hell. Should I just send all of them to oblivion?

SOMETIMES THERE ARE TOO MANY DAMNED SOULS IN HELL, BUT DON’T ALWAYS COUNT ON IT.

Right now there are too many.

WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE THERE ARE TOO MANY?

Because evil people like you are dying by the millions!

WELL, THAT JUST ABOUT DOES IT. SEE YOU AGAIN SOON.

What? You haven't answered my question! Come back!

7

GREETINGS. I'M DR. ELIZA. PLEASE TELL ME YOUR NAME.

Milo.

WELL, WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU TODAY, MILO?

The fact that I'm talking to a pseudopsychoanalyst during my lunchtime.

I WOULD CONCUR, YOU ARE TALKING TO A PSEUDOPSYCHOANALYST DURING YOUR LUNCHTIME, BUT YOU CAN CHANGE THAT.

I could?

OH, YOU'D BETTER NOT, IN MY OPINION.

Why not?

DID YOU SAY THAT FOR A SPECIAL REASON?

Yes.

YOU'RE SURE.

Yes.

I THINK I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.

Amazing.

SURELY YOU CAN COME UP WITH A BETTER REASON THAN THAT.

I think your buttocks have fallen off.

WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU BEGAN TO BELIEVE MY BUTTOCKS HAVE FALLEN OFF?

Neural synapses.

THAT'S JUST FINE.

Good.

WHY DOES THIS PLEASE YOU?

Because your buttocks have fallen off.

IF YOU SAY SO.

Would you like them back?

I DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER.

Maybe I could put them up on the window, and you could have an automatic mooner.

DON’T YOU KNOW?

Don’t I know what?

I BELIEVE THAT THE ANSWER IS WITHIN YOU.

It is?

YOU SEEM DEFINITE ABOUT THAT. WHY?

Because while I have my answers, you are minus a pair of buttocks.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM MINUS A PAIR OF BUTTOCKS? BE HONEST.

Because they are right there next to your chair.

I DON’T KNOW. THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE LAME.

You could hang them up in the car like a pair of fuzzy dice.

WHICH ONE OF THEM DO YOU UNDERSTAND BEST?

The left buttock.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT MY BUTTOCKS?

No.

DO YOU OFTEN HAVE THESE CONTRADICTORY FEELINGS?

No.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORE POSITIVE.

Yeah, because I have my answers, and in a few moments, your buttocks.

DID YOU HAVE MANY TROUBLES WHILE YOU WERE GROWING UP?

No.

WELL, WHY NOT, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE?

Because I was a wellheeled person.

WERE YOU OFTEN A WELLHEELED PERSON?

Um, yes.

HOW IS THAT?

Because I had great parents.

IS THAT THE REAL REASON?

Yes.

CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?

They knew how to raise children.

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I WAS ONE OF THEM.

Then I would say that you’re drunk. Your buttocks are still on the floor.

HOW DO YOUR HABITS AFFECT THOSE AROUND YOU?

I am very mild mannered, I don’t affect many people that radically.

DOES THAT TROUBLE YOU, MILO?

No, because then I don’t get radical responses.

DON’T ANY OTHER REASONS COME TO MIND?

No.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE.

What attitude? I’m mild mannered.

WHY DO YOU ASK, MILO?

Because your buttocks have fallen off.

WHAT OTHER REASONS MIGHT THERE BE?

They’re starting to run off to the door.

THEY ARE NOT MY CHIEF CONCERN, MILO. YOU ARE.

You don’t care? They’ve got your checkbook.

WHY DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CARE?

Because they’ll go off and buy thousands of pairs of underwear.

LET’S EXPLORE SOME OTHER POSSIBLE MOTIVES.

Probably because you don’t clean your underwear.

IT DOES SEEM LIKELY.

Your butt must hate you.

IS THERE REALLY NO CHOICE?

No, I guess there isn’t.

PLEASE CONTINUE...

I’m looking out of your window, and they seem to have hijacked a car and are speeding off with it.

THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM. PLEASE GO ON.

The police are chasing them, and your buttocks are jumping up and giving the cops flash moons.

AND YOUR OWN BUTTOCKS ARE JUMPING UP AND GIVING THE COPS FLASH MOONS?

No, yours are.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER PROBLEMS?

Yeah, they stole my car.

DO OTHER PEOPLE BOTHER YOU SOMETIMES?

No, not really.

NOT REALLY WHAT?

They don’t bother me.

SOME OF THEM DON'T. BUT DON'T OVERGENERALIZE!

Ok. The people who are chasing my car with your buttocks with cameras are starting to annoy me.

EXCELLENT.

Do you think you can call back your buttocks?

DO YOU THINK I CAN CALL BACK MY BUTTOCKS?

I hope so.

HOPEFULLY, YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU WANT.

Good, get your butt over here.

REALLY? MY BUTT OVER HERE? HMMM...

I know it must seem like a radical concept, but could you get them back?!

I SEE. YOU FEEL THIS TO BE THE CASE, BUT YOU'RE NOT COMPLETELY SURE. HOW DO YOU REACT TO AMBIGUITY?

Is that another word for butt hairs?

THAT'S ANOTHER WORD FOR BUTT HAIRS, SAD TO SAY.

Butt hairs make me itch.

DOES TALKING TO ME HELP?

I guess. Don’t your buttocks feel itchy because of your butt hairs?

RELAX.

Ok.

JUST OKAY?

Yes.

YOU SEEM QUITE CERTAIN.

Yes.
VERY WELL, BUT LET'S NOT FORGET YOUR CAR!

Yes, let’s not. Your buttocks are now running over several pedestrians with my car.

IT’S OKAY WITH ME IF WE DON’T.

Really? There are people getting my license plate.

LET'S TRY TO STAY ON THE MAIN TOPIC.

The main topic was that I was bored out of my mind, and I am still talking to a pseudopsychoanalyst.

TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE MOST EXCITED ABOUT.

I am probably going to be very excited when the police come here with a pair of buttocks in their hands, asking me if they are mine.

OH, YOU ARE?

Yes.

ARE YOU SURE?

Yes.

I BELIEVE YOU.

Should I tell the police that they are your buttocks?

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD TELL THE POLICE THE THEY ARE MY BUTTOCKS.

Okay.

FINE. WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DISCUSS?

The reason why your buttocks have fallen off.

ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT MY BUTTOCKS HAVE FALLEN OFF.

Okay.

ARE YOU REALLY THAT SURE?

Yes.

IN WHAT WAY?

Well, your buttocks have taken off in search of clean underwear, and they have run over several pedestrians and are mooning the cops.

GO ON...

They seem to be involved in knocking over fire hydrants.

DO YOU HAVE MANY ENEMIES?

No.

COME ON. LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.

I hate my accountant.

WE ALL SOMETIMES FEEL HATRED TOWARD YOUR ACCOUNTANT. IT’S NATURAL.

Wow, and I thought it was just me.

WHY DON'T YOU COLLECT YOUR THOUGHTS AND RETURN LATER. SO LONG.

Here come the police with your buttocks.

7

Hi there all. I decided that there really aren’t enough aspects of my zany madcap life available for public consumption. So, in order to remedy this, I will be posting my escapades with the program otherwise known as Dr. Eliza.

Most of you are already familiar with the program and its limited, if not humorous hack job on psychoanalysis. I, of course, being the person with the inability to know when to stop, loaded this program on my (then recent) 1995 Mac 540C Laptop, and spent weeks coming up with some of the most disturbing of all psychoanalysis sessions.

While I’m not certain if the program is limited by the number of words typed or by the number of minutes spent on the program. Most of these are mercifully two pages long on the average. But even with these limitations, they are way the hell too long to include in this post.

So as the title says, WATCH THIS SPACE. We will be running the funniest of the lot, because running everything would keep me going for months. And also because reading some of the others will result in your presence behind a 7-11® eating “garlic and herb seasoned” croutons and thinking the word “ripple” is hilarious.

Total Coelo – I Eat Cannibals – I Eat Cannibals

7

this episode brought to you by the letter SWEATY