Retail clerks all have my picture. They are bound by law to never show me where the laser printers are, after that little incident where I.... well, I can't really talk about it, because the charges are still pending. Let's just say that a certain laser printer out there is just A WEE BIT STRONGER THAN A "CLASS A" LASER PRODUCT.

In any event, I don't know if any of you non-Oregonians heard in the news - but Oregon just broke any and all Month-Of-June records with 101+ temperatures. This made me feel like I was home in Elk Grove, California, except for the elevated humidity. But what really makes me smile is the fact that most people here, or - I should say - most of the affluent people here, have absolutely no pattern recognition whatsoever.

It gets super-hot here in Oregon for approximately two days, maximum. After that, it's 70 degrees and overcast until the next unplanned death heat. So, as today it's supposed to be in the 90s, and tomorrow in the 80s, I just look back on yesterday when A/C units just positively disappeared from stores everywhere. EVERYWHERE. There was this brief, two-hour rush, when everyone from everywhere in Oregon slammed out $100+ dollars for an A/C and then rushed home to install it.

But it will be a week from now when everyone's going to be grumpy because their A/C is no longer necessary. Oh, and at the end of the month, when they discover that even a 500 Watt A/C (that would be about 5,000 BTUs) adds on another $10-15 to your electricity bill if you use it with any sort of frequency.

Any state below the 40th Parallel line, I hear ya and understand ya. I'll go out and frolic in 100+ degree temps only if I know that there's A/C indoors later. It's a necessity, not an option. But above the 40th, you can get away without an A/C.

Oh, and totally off-subject, I was looking around for a .gif to replace my gear-head icon. I've had the guy for so long as my icon - nay, my mascot - I was wonder if it was time to give him a break. What do you people think?

7

once again, information eludes me

I once had proof of alien existence. I really did. To make a long story short, they were really amazed that we still had poverty, hunger, and disease. They really wanted to help us out.

But because of the beaucracy of the US, I had to submit my evidence "collated and stapled."

Aliens don't like being collated and stapled.

Because they were near human-size, I had to go to Kinko's to get them collated and stapled. What resulted was the biggest printer jam in all of history. Even today, the employees of Kinko's and the third-party repair crew they called in only refer to the incident as "The Unmentionable."

Because if they even give a hint as to what happened on that day, the thirty-odd crew of printer technicians loose their fragile grip on reality, and become psychotic, babbling, thumb-sucking loons. Years of psycho-therapy would be wasted.

So, if you HAVE TO walk into Kinko's with stories of aliens, you may only refer to the above as "The Unmentionable."

7

the bassethounds! the bassethounds!

I'm still on a KLF bender. I have their songs stuck in my head, and I'm quite pleased with it.

I FINALLY FIXED MY PC!!!!!! (Warning: More Exclamation Points to Follow.) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here are the final specs:

*) MSI (Micro-Star International) K9N Diamond Motherboard

*) AMD (Advanced Micro Devices) 64-Bit 3500+ AM2 Socket Processor

*) OCZ (Over Clocker Z) DDR2 667 MHz (4-4-4-12) 1024 Mb RAM

*) 2.0 Terabytes of Memory Storage (Various HDDs) [1 Terabyte = 1024 Gigabytes]

*) High Definition Sound (8 Channel Pure Digital Surround) [I don't have all the speakers, and probably never will]

And because I have my computer back, I now have my massive list of cryptogenic statements. You know, those little lines at the bottom of each blog post? Yup, made myself this massive list of things to throw on at the end of each blog. And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for: the end of the blog (and the cryptogenic statement!)

7

irrational pizza toppings

...while I wheel around the office in my SUPERCHAIR 3000. I glide ever so smoothly over the oil slicks that somehow appear on the corporate carpets, and not so smoothly over the piles of tacks that careless interns have scattered over certain areas in the building.

Out of boredom, frustration, and complete helplessness, desk-bound drones hurl darts and AOL diskettes at the wall. Here, where the plastic plants reign supreme, is where the humans live in drudgery. The donuts are scarce and critical. The coffee is plentiful, but "instant."

I kick the soda can machine until - in retaliation - it hurls a soda can like a rocket in my general direction. Should I be so fortunate, it won't hit me, and I can use it as a grenade against the evil robots that wander the halls.

With my trusty golden staple-gun in hand, I search the halls for the mail-boys and their 300 HP mailcarts. They move fast, but unlike me, they have naught for maneuverability. All it takes is to kick a mobile potted plant into their path to cause their machines to explode into wind-swept fireballs sent screaming down the hall.

Here, in this world, it is the caffeine pill that renders me invulnerable as I charge up over the conveniently placed ramps that send me flying to locked conference rooms where I must retrieve vital memos and crucial donuts.

But it is the janitor who is my nemesis, he who hides my supplies inside the walls, out of my reach. It is he who plants the 1000 MPH turbinesque fans in the halls that prevent me from reaching hidden areas of the company. I must crush the janitor, and survive the gauntlet of insane robots.

With my golden staple-gun, my soda grenades, and my caffeine pills - I just might be able to do it.

7

i'll have them [the demons] read me strange philosophy, and tell the secrets of all foreign kings

Okay, Mr. Darker, that last post of yours was just irresponsible and outlandishly out-of-context.

Your supposition that wieners could hold up a building was absolutely infantile. And that comment about being a fish? That was a completely unreferenced inside drug joke. I'm surprised that even a quarter of the people who comment on your blog even have a vague understanding of what you say.

You once made an earlier claim that your blog was to be like a "mental blanket party" for the masses. Well, you've achieved that, only without the "mental" part. Your intellectually sterile blithering only serves to be ignorned and largely misunderstood. There's no shock value or for that matter, anything that could conceivably be considered as a solid statement against commonly referenced societal core values.

That having been said, I forsee the only hope of rehabilitation being repeated electrical shocks until better examples of cognizance are displayed.

*ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP*

"Hoonbappawhochkintow! Hee hee hee!"

Hmmm. Needs more work.

*ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP*

"The economy is as bad as a hedge!"

A little better.

*ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP*

"AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL BOUND FOR MU MU LAND!"

Whoops, went to far with that last one. Alrighty then. It appears you're going to need more work than just this brief electroshock therapy session. Hey! Wait! Where did you get that tazer?!

*ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP* *ZAP*

7

tuna can machinegun