I'm just sitting here in front of my computer, waiting for things to happen on the Internet, when suddenly I am reminded that I have a window in my place of residence. I open it, and suddenly I am seeing a grey, almost black sky, high winds, rain, and golfers.

Yes, my window looks out onto a driving range, and there - in attempts at perfect posture - are golfers in tees and slacks, working on their swing. Just down the road there are people in fleece and padded nylon, and the couples are huddling together for WARMTH. Clearly, these are the people who have horrible slices.

This is the surest sign of sickness. Maybe a new kind of mental disease. Sort of like an addiction to heroin. YOU KNOW that heroin does horrible things to you, YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE GOING TO FIND YOURSELF IN A BACK ALLEY COMPARING THE POLICE OFFICER TO A FLUFFY WHITE CLOUD WITH HANDCUFFS. And yet, there you are again, with five different needles in your arms.

These golfers are, in my honest opinion, sporting the same sort of *dedication* as heroin addicts. THEY KNOW that they are required to pay $80 for ONE GOLFING GLOVE, THEY KNOW that they will have to "chip it to the green" if they mess up, and THEY KNOW (OR DO THEY?) THAT THEIR GOLFING CLOTHES LOOK LIKE THEY JUST MUGGED A CHEAP AFRICAN AMERICAN PIMP.

Have you even seen the televised golf channels? I'm usually forced to at my place of work (golf is considered NEUTRAL TV.) The men look like they eat too much red meat and stare at the golf course as if they're trying to hide some intense gastrointestinal pain. The women still have that same stare, but at least they eat right, probably exercise, and look hot in minis.

And what really makes my Inner World Conqueror want to take advantage of people's perceptions - is that there is a huge horde of people who cheer loudly whenever one of these golfers manage to knock a ball into a hole in the ground, and EARN MONEY FOR EACH SINK.

In order to get me to watch golf, I think there should be a two-drink minimum for everyone involved.

Green Day - American Idiot - American Idiot

7 ________ <----Approaching horde of angry golfers

evil green sausage

Yay! As I write, thousands of people are sitting at their computers, staring at my blog, and wondering what just happened.

That's one of my goals, at least. To get people to use their minds. Television - heck, the media at large - has thrown things at the general public that could easily be ascertained as remixes or remakes of just about anything that has been aired over the past 25 years. We have been recycling our movies and programs, but not our garbage.

I am hoping to provide a certain originality, a sort of "new wave" of comedy (and just a little insanity for flavor) to expose people to multi-faceted humor. Typically humor that has depth, double entendres, hidden references, and small woodland creatures.

I do hope I am successful.

Alkaline Trio - Good Mourning - Emma

7

face the wrath of my evil bunnies

That's how many hits I've had to date. [I AM SUCH A PORN STAR.] Ahem. Getting back to the real world. [I AM STILL SUCH A PORN STAR.] I have no idea how these messages are getting out. [PORN STAR.]

So we will celebrate by bringing to you a small slice of one of my favorite shows.

"That's nice, Dean, I can't wait to hear about it, only Brock's stuck in Dad's thing that makes people happy. But it's all evil!"

"I dare you to make less sense!"

--Hank and Dean (respectively; The Venture Brothers)

Oingo Boingo - Skeletons In The Closet - Private Life

7

shaving my encyclopedias

I'm so terribly sorry for not posting or existing for the past few days. It shalln't happen agian.

I was recently reminded of a game that I used to play: Hitman. And of course, because of how the game is run, one has to wonder great it would be if the world ran like Hitman? Especially if I, or the universe permitting, my brother and I wrote the rules?

1) You are pulled over by a cop for doing 70 MPH in a 45 MPH zone.
A) You show the cop your driver's license and registration.
B) You show him "this great drink by Jim Beam."
C) You drop your trousers.
D) You touch him/her.

2) Your boss at Megacorp Inc. asks you for the "Fruder Report." You don't have it.
A) You explain the situation and your solution to fix the problem.
B) You blame your group members for being incompetent.
C) You throw the fire alarm to cause distraction.
D) You pour your boiling coffee directly down his shirt.

3) You are currently infiltrating a criminal organization as a weapons dealer. You are being escorted to the mastermind's HQ by an armed guard.

A) You follow without making a sound.
B) You garrote him quietly and hope to sneak in without being noticed.
C) You make fast, sudden movements to make him edgy.
D) You cop a feel.

4) Your drill sergeant wants to see you in formation at 0800 hours.
A) You snappily reply, "Yessir!"
B) You ask, "Why?"
C) You recall flashbacks to wars you were not in.
D) You ward off the sergeant with a crucifix.

All these options, and more, would be available if my brother and I were in charge of writing up all of life's little options. And they would all be easily accessible from a drop-down menu.

Lights Of Euphoria - Krieg Gegen Die Maschinen - Fly To Target (Shellshox Remix)

7

are you a giant stone head

[[NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG POST]]

Today got off to a great start when I strapped two cats to my feet and used them as shoes.

Mind you, these were CAT(r) shoes, but still, the name makes it funny to mention.

I am saving up to buy two Percheron draft horses, which will become my main source of transportation. I will be standing, one foot on each of their backs, and using them to perform virtually all of my movement for me. I will motivate them by keeping two "Extendo-Grips" and a bag of carrots and lettuce. If I want to go somewhere, I use the treat-on-a-pole method to get them to go in the desired direction. When I want them to stop. I let them eat the treats.

How will I get away with this? Everybody likes horses. And I will be the first person in the world who has shoes that everyone will want to stop and pet. I will also have shoes that can make more of themselves.

The Church - Starfish - Blood Money

7

unsubstantiated allegations