Sometimes I sit here thinking, "What to write?! What to write?! Deadline!! Deadline!! MUST.....THINK......HARDER......"

Eventually you hear this wet popping sound and I go and get more caffeine. You can hear the seconds ticking by like an overamplified sound effect on a TV game show. And there by my computer stands the Editor with a KNIFE.

And all he says is, "It's time. PRESENT YOUR BLOG POST!"

I quickly bring up what I've written in my text editor. The tensest moments of my life creep on by as bloodshot eyes scan the lines of my work, the hand with the knife is TWITCHING.

He turns to me and says, "Do you realize what you wrote here?! You have it down that the next supervillain to face the Hulk should be a guy named 'Captain Quaalude.' And I quote, 'Captain Quaalude would be the only person capable of negating the raging Hulk by introducing record amounts of the drug he is named after, directly into the face of the Hulk.'"

The editor turns to me, with one eye closed and the other opened to grotesque proportions. "Do you want MR. KNIFE to make some COMMENTS about your blog post?!"

"No Mr. Editor With A KNIFE!"

"Then write something that doesn't introduce PAIN into my life!"

And that is usually what goes on behind the scenes here at Darker, Inc., producer of fine quality blog posts since December 2005.

Monty Python - Monty Python And The Holy Grail - Knights of The Roundtable

7

One of these days, I'm going to have to clean out my car's glove compartment. Because everything that I've ever owned and stored in that glove compartment has taken a life on its own, and yay verily, they have gone out on their own adventures.

But that only barely explains the gold-plated human skull in my glove compartment. I tried to take it out, but it seems to have adhered itself to my left palm. While this is almost totally cool, the gold skull commands me to do things.

Apparently, the human skull is roughly 1100 years old, and cursed with a terrible ancient Incan god-spirit. Being buried in the hot, steamy jungle of South America for what it describes as "aeons," and then being surreptitiously transported around the world - only to wind up in my glove compartment - made the Incan god-spirit considerably irritable.

So, having lacking an actual body, he decided to live vicariously through me. While eating, watching movies, and just generally running around downtown Portland in only a loincloth and war paint in the name of ancient Incan god-spirits is all fine and dandy, it takes a while to get them acclimated to the wonders of today. Like, explaining that antifreeze does not actually warm you up if you drink it.

I am fortunately free of the Incan god-spirit, as it forced me to wander into a stripper club, and it suddenly remembered the awesome, compelling force of NOOKIE. It ordered me to open the "Employees Only" door and to throw me into the girl's locker room and to then "descend back to my lowly mortal station in life."

All I know is that after fifteen minutes, I found the golden skull in the corner of the club, being stroked by several overly-mammilian ladies in thongs that were clearly too tight for them.

Well, I'm no longer an Incan god-spirit's right hand man, but I suppose that's a plus too. I really can't put that on a resume. And it would be hard to explain why I had to leave my job, and devote my life serving a gold plated human skull.

Depeche Mode - Playing The Angel - Nothing's Impossible

7

I decided to post this on my blog in addition to being a "comment" on MindPower's blog.

1. [I Am Totally Addicted To]: Caffeine (more like chemical dependency), listening to music, listening to or being the comedian.

2. [I Have No Desire To]: Lead a sedentiary life. I want to be active, healthy, well-known, and to be virtually everywhere at once.

3. [I Desire To]: Be a stand-up comedian, an HTML developer, a musician, a novelist, and trusted computer builder/cleaner/upgrader.

4. [Until Just Recently I Hated]: Minced garlic (you know, in those huge jars you see in supermarkets. I always cut up my cloves, but as it turns out, I was getting too much of that weird garlic juice on my entrees, so now that I know how to do it, I have several jars of garlic at home.)

5. [When I Am Tired I]: Play online games. They don't require that much attention and brainpower.

6. [Sometimes I Have A Sudden Urge]: For "Pizza and Beer." Really.

7. [I Love]: My family, music, eating when I'm stressed, getting paid for doing essentially nothing.

8. [I Collect]: I *used to* collect coins. It started getting expensive. I suppose now I collect computer parts.

9. [Sometimes In The Middle Of A Conversation I]: Do my best to scare all participants with an oddly-worded, slightly comedic, almost always disturbing comment or two.

10. [When I Get Home From Work/School My Favorite Thing To Do Is]: Sit down, shut up, and pretend the world doesn't exist.

This doesn't really replace the Friday Five, but I suppose this makes up (hopefully) for the last two that I missed.

Daft Punk - Human After All - Prime Time Of Your Life

7

Yes, it has finally happened.

If you take a look down towards the middle of my blog, right under the section "Websites I Like," you will notice a number.

I have had 1000 visitors.

I am now one of the Major Leaguers. All those that came before me are my inspiriation - one could either say I am walking in their enormous footsteps, or riding on their giant shoulders.

I am now going to celebrate by being unconscious for the next twelve hours.

Daft Punk - Discovery - Aerodynamic

7

What you folks will eventually come to realize, is that you CAN have too much comedy.

I just listened to three stand-up artists' full length CDs. Patton Oswalt's "Feeling Kinda Patton," Craig Shoemaker's "The Lovemaster," and John Pinette's "I Say Nay Nay."

I CANNOT REMEMBER BEING SO DELIRIOUSLY WRACKED WITH HYSTERICAL PAIN AT ANY OTHER PREVIOUS POINT IN MY LIFE.

That said, I really need to be the next big stand up. Maybe then I can take a break from laughing, and be the one dishing it out.

I'm going to take one of those magic blue pills that makes me wake up in the wrong joke.

Daft Punk - Discovery - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

7