I have the Patton Oswalt recording of one of his 40 Watt Club nights, called Feeling Kinda Patton. And for those of you who are familiar with this CD recording, I am going to add to Patton's rant about really wrong advertisements.

I recieved in my mailbox an ad for The Oregonian (Portland's Local Newspaper.) Now, on the left-hand side is a mother, sitting on a barstool, leaning on the kitchen counter, reading The Oregonian, and in the background is this mess of a kitchen - probably left by the unphotographed children.

Now, even though this ad is for something else, it was the main tagline that got my attention. "The Oregonian - Still the Best 15 Minutes Of Your Day."

Now, I don't get The Oregonian because of many reasons. 1) I have the Internet access not only as my source of entertainment, but my source of news as well. 2) The Oregeonian has an obvious Republican slant, and also has reporters that do not capture all the details (although the reporting bit is slightly redundant after mentioning the Republican slant.) News is supposed to be news - not everyone's opinion about the news - that's the opinion section. 3) Why the hell would I want to pay an extra $52 a year (special offer) for paper that I have to go and recycle?

And now the Big One - 4) THE BEST FIFTEEN MINUTES OF MY DAY ARE COMPRISED OF HEADLINES READING: WAR, FAMINE, CORRUPTION, CRIME, DISEASE, NUCLEAR DISASTER, AND POLITICS?!?!!? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LIFE TO MAKE SUCH TRAVESTIES OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE THE "BEST 15 MINUTES" OF MY DAY?!?!?

I normally wouldn't rant about this at all, but Patton Oswalt had something similar to say, and I felt that this all sort of tied in. But with less alcohol.

Hard-Fi - Stars of CCTV - Cash Machine (I hear this on the radio, I don't have the album, but it's a pretty decent song, so I mention it.)

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And just when you think you have life figured, management comes down to me and says that I cannot use sleeping pills to make "the bad people go away" while I'm working.

Everything's going great for me at the moment. And I am living for this moment. So happiness prevails.

I suppose the explanation for the title would be in order.

I play Diablo II (please restrain your gasps and, "people still play that game?") Now, one of the things you can do for this hopelessly archaic MMORG (Massive Multiplayer Online Game) is download a Single-Player Mod for the game, that someone has written to either change some of the basics of the game, or a complete re-write of everything.

Now, just to let you know, I nearly had a completely re-written mod for DII, it's just that I realized that the majority of all DII online players were angry teenagers. And I really didn't need to impress them.

But this one particular mod I downloaded, called, "Zy-El." And in this mod were so many re-writes of items, one could easily have played this mod for years before legitimately collecting all of the items. A couple of the new, added items were unique jewels, and the two most powerful ones were called "Grease," and "Gerbil." So, usually, if I had a chance, the majority of my arms and armor had the "Greased Gerbil" enchantments on them.

Oh, and because I really excel at making DII characters, I got A LOT of "Grease" and "Gerbil" jewels. MOUNTAINS. Enough jewels to effectively create a tidalwave OF GREASED GERBILS.

The thought amuses me even to this day (the mod first came out in 2003, or earlier - I really don't know.) If I ever own a racecar in the future, I think you can guess what it's name is going to be.

Clair Voyant - Time And The Maiden - Everafter

(PS: If any of you are wondering about the above artist, she's Victoria Lloyd, who has this amazing voice. This album is ULTRA CREEPY with long haunting melodies and gothic-esque music. Also, Victoria Lloyd worked with Haujobb, and Monochrome (Monochrome's Clint M. Sand is the other half of cut.rate.box - one of the best euro electronic bands around. I'm just so happy that I have the original Clair Voyant release of the Time and The Maiden album - not the re-release.)

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We will now play the recording of a mouse trapped in a pinball game.

SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK THWAP SQUEAK BUMP BUMP BUMP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK THWAP SQUEAK BUMP BUMP BUMP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK THWAP SQUEAK BUMP BUMP BUMP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK THWAP SQUEAK BUMP BUMP BUMP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK THWAP SQUEAK BUMP BUMP BUMP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK THWAP SQUEAK BUMP BUMP BUMP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK SLAP SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK PING SQUEAK THWAP SQUEAK BUMP BUMP BUMP SQUEAK

Caviar - Caviar - Tangerine Speedo

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Since when did the flossing of my teeth become an epic adventure into the unknown?

Since the movie industry realized this Monday that they were going into another vicious loop of summer prequels and sequels and re-creations of old films all over again.

Henceforth, if you don't hear much from me in the coming days, I am part of a film production starring myself, Matt Damon, Russel Crowe, Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie, Beyonce, and Robin Williams. The whole thing will be directed and produced by movie producer Robert Evans.

I'd give you a hint as to the plot, but I have been ordered not to reveal certain elements that would otherwise ruin the impact of the movies' inital showing. However, there will be a titanium spork involved, and romance, drama, comedy, action, horror, kung-fu, and a cameo of a well-known anime series. The soundtrack will be primarily Danny Elfman.

Human League - Greatest Hits - Human

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Now, of course I could fill this space with what I want to see in a prospective mate. We could go on and on about humor, phyiscal dimensions, political stance, drug stance, etc.

But after having worked either in or around jewelry sections in my repective retail past, I would have to say the most important feature of my prospective mate would be that she doesn't associate rocks, metal, or hardened oyster spit as tokens of love and affection.

Solitary Experiments - Cause & Effect - Sense Of Belonging

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