Well, it's been a great run. But, after 20 months of unspeakable mescaline visions that masquerade as my blog posts, I have decided that I should go upon "Indefinite Hiatus." I might be back, I might not. But in any case, the whole "Seven Is What?" blog will remain up for as long as Blogstream does.
"But what will we do without the man? The guy who causes dachshunds to fly, the Exalted Onionhead himself?" Oh, I'll be here and there. That's the fun part about being an off-kilter behind- the- scenes- world- dominator. I am everywhere and everyone. I am the dirty guy on TV with the nametag "Mr. Swung Bingley," holding up a sign to the camera that says, "Will Run With Chainsaws For Food."
I am the DJ who runs down the street with a bandana over my mouth and a cabinet speaker over my shoulder, blasting the unknown music, being the streak of red in a grey crowd. I can be seen as the rag man in the public square having an argument with IRS about "deductible countries in my possession." I am the man in the three-piece suit talking to a golden skull and its harem in the skin bar near where you live. I am the semi-naked demi-god figure standing atop two well-trained Percheron draft steeds.
But, most importantly, I am the short guy dressed in casual, loose black clothing, perpetually wearing dark sunglasses, walking down the street accompanied by a Russian giantess of Amazonian proportions who smells faintly of wet dog. If you look carefully, there's a '99 Toyota Corolla, of an off-burgundy color, driving around, following them, almost seemingly without a driver.
To cap off what may be my final post for a while, I will recap all of the best and the coolest lines from posts you may or may not have had the pleasure of reading.
* * *
"Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets. Plastic Bags. Electrical Sockets."
* * *
"WHO THOUGHT THAT ORANGE PRE-BRUSH LISTERINE WAS A GOOD IDEA?!?!"
* * *
"WHERE DOES MY BREAD GO WHEN I PUT IT IN THE LITTLE RED BOX ON MY COUNTER?!?! I PUT IT IN, AND THEN ONLY TOAST COMES OUT!!!"
* * *
"No dude, YOU'RE full of Spode."
* * *
"In the meantime, I'm recreating the Donner Party Incident with the contents of 167 cans of Reddi Whip. At this point, it looks as if all I've done is create a 6 x 7 x 10 foot pile of mashed potatoes in front of my neighbor's house. Since I'm tired, I think I'll just leave it at that."
* * *
"Whatever you do, DO NOT ASK how my entire floor got covered in Crisco."
* * *
"For instance, little do you know that I can anger bread from fifteen paces."
* * *
"Pokemon are NOT INHERENTLY VIOLENT. Not in a children's show. No way. But because we are American, and we can't have anything spelled out for us, the show uses random fighting and "training" as euphemisms for HOT MONSTER SEX. That's right. Those Pokemon LOVE each other. The huge crushing blows upside each other's heads and the electric kicks and flame breath? That's FOREPLAY. The defeat of the opponent with much action scenes and seizure-inducing flashy attacks? That's hot steamy monster sex the only way we Americans can take it."
* * *
"Supposedly I was found at the back of a 7-11, giggling, "The document has no data. Can't you see? The *DOCUMENT* has no *DATA*." It was later revealed that some homeless guy slipped at little something extra into the coffee, and I really hadn't gone insane."
* * *
"I chopped up an ENTIRE CLOVE of garlic and threw it into the bowl of tuna. The tuna immediately rose to the challenge. "Ha ha! YOU ARE MINE NOW!!!" And of course, the garlic, not being new to this said, "I'll cut you, fish! I cut you bad!" Now, keep in mind that this is a rough translation. When produce and fish need to appear bigger and meaner than they really are, they talk smack in German."
* * *
"At one point I was made to push a single, solitary red bell pepper in a shopping cart, through a whole grocery store. At the end of the trip, I was ordered to put the bell pepper back. This is otherwise known as the "Bell Pepper Incident."
* * *
"The hobo poked me again with his inconceivably dirty fingers, making sub-human gasps and wheezes in my general direction - I could only assume that he was no longer interested in playing with Muscles, my pet python."
* * *
"According to witnesses later on, I was using the word "cucumber" as a VERB."
* * *
"Exercise some expediency! An obese ursine is about to take out his anger mismanagement on your cranium!"
* * *
"And just when you think you have life figured, management comes down to me and says that I cannot use sleeping pills to make "the bad people go away" while I'm working."
* * *
"Harrison Ford will come back and become the Blade Runner again."
* * *
"A hippo sodomizing a movie producer is Nature's way of saying: "I'm getting really tired of prequels, sequels, and movie-remakes."
* * *
"I am fortunately free of the Incan god-spirit, as it forced me to wander into a stripper club, and it suddenly remembered the awesome, compelling force of NOOKIE."
* * *
"I have resurrected my dinner table. Before you question not only the ethics of taking life and death into my own hands, one should carefully consider the statement I have made. Why *was* my table alive, *why* did it die, and *how* did I bring it back to "life?"
* * *
"I think the most hilarious outcome of this blog post, and quite possibly the biggest validation of my existence and influence in the world - will be some man, somewhere, QUACKING IN MY NAME WHILE WATCHING PORN."
* * *
"[Tax Man]: I bought a whole new box of surgical gloves just for YOUR full body cavity search.
[Seven]: Excuse me, I have to step outside and achieve never-before seen speeds in the "From Here To Elsewhere" Marathon.
[Tax Man]: We have dogs.
[Seven]: Ha! I have a rhinoceros!
[Tax Man]: Apparently, only listed as a dependant. You cannot claim your parakeet as a rhinoceros."
* * *
"2) Your boss at Megacorp Inc. asks you for the "Fruder Report." You don't have it.
A) You explain the situation and your solution to fix the problem.
B) You blame your group members for being incompetent.
C) You throw the fire alarm to cause distraction.
D) You pour your boiling coffee directly down his shirt."
* * *
"[I AM SUCH A PORN STAR.]"
* * *
"I was having a magnificent time this morning making an ATM cry. What you do is keep asking to withdraw $00.00, and you do this until the ATM posts the message, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
* * *
"Oh, and also it has been found out that instead of falling asleep, I chain myself to the bed and rail against the darkness until I lose consciousness. Just so you know."
* * *
"Monkey bagel neat all points bulletin beer zim constant slander pigboy jet cookie space bacon offset jacket perspicuous stout inorganic nacho fortress haboob nylon elevator android Cornish delicious weenie death booth doughboy cheese joy grease dancing pain legislation seven is darker marbles psychic red squirrel zygomorphic watercress nicht wahr maison de sante tout a fait tinder kidnapping fry lord Spanish inquisition owl insertion monarchy fingertip minimal evil clone taquito Santa nuclear mole tuna hair floating moose dancing naked chair squid chub monster ham vomit ski lift breaking toady seven is darker drool oily bricks realism sniffy devilfish bed earthquake rupture fat man jiggly trout frozen headless clown bolt monocle ogre random doom rigor mortis kitty sucking trees ladylike evil merry platypus overgrown pickle ragman ocean malevolent shirt muffin shave bad self horrible boy head exploding snacks."
* * *
"More and more things and people in the world need to be slathered with butter."
* * *
"I'll palaver my way around, licoricing everybody and then hang about and sheep. With enough popularity, my toupeeing of the English language will dough on with the rest of the populace. All this for the purpose of mummichoging the world as to piano silly this whole "verbing" thing is. Of course, if this whole thing spoons out of hand, I will be responsible for single-handedly beavering the entire English language as you know it."
* * *
"Here, in this world, it is the caffeine pill that renders me invulnerable as I charge up over the conveniently placed ramps that send me flying to locked conference rooms where I must retrieve vital memos and crucial donuts."
* * *
"Aliens don't like being collated and stapled."
* * *
"Bad audio dubbing, it was. Get jiggy with the bimbos, we must."
* * *
"...clairvoyance and clairaudience could only be achieved by stuffing Dr. Phil with bread."
* * *
"As you may probably tell, I am full of Smirnoff, and in a writing mood. Namely because my ISP is governed by unreliable people and/or machines. I would like to blame the public in general, but that only works if a stampeding herd of random people broke into my ISP server room and began certain orgiastic rituals.
Orgiastic = Wet.
Wet = Not Good for Silicon.
Not Good for Silicon = Fried People.
Fried People = Well Cooked Meat Patties At Your Local Fast Food Establishment."
* * *
"MC1: Just look at the rating of this movie! It’s rated “I” for incoherent. If we were to have stepped into that theater, we would have become slobbering morons!
MC2: You’re right! However will we rate this movie - as per our jobs - and retain our sanity?! We’ll need someone just as insane as the premise of this movie to rate it for us!
(Cue Seven Is Darker)
Seven: Excuse me gentlemen! But I have an army of gerbils and my bagels are SWEATY."
* * *
"I just saw some videos of a robot barfing chocolate sawdust. This clearly means something."
* * *
"This is your on-board computer. We are about to crash. What do you want to do?"
"Steering prevents accidents."
"Do you want to crash?"
"Then maybe you should *STEER*."
* * *
"Yes, by your association with me, you are SEXCELLENT. But then again, as the term SEXCELLENT is the word that best describes the experiences and events in my life, I suppose that term also somehow applies to everything I’ve ever thrown in the microwave as an act of aggression, art, or food preparation. I knew that the microwave would come back to haunt me."
* * *
"Those of you who haven't played Rise Of The Triad, go download it from 3D Realm's Website and let your missiles run free."
* * *
"Hats off to 819."
* * *
"(THE EVIL GREEN SAUSAGE MICROMANAGES ME.)"
* * *
"FULL CONTACT NAKED FLOSSING. WITH TRADING CARDS. Everybody on everybody. Mostly oral."
* * *
"In strolled THE CONSUMER. This was a terrifying 5'8" middle aged man who spoke naught but the words of the ANCIENT PANDEMONIUM, pulled from the very grey matter of H.R. Giger, H.P. Lovecraft, and other scary visual and literary artists WHO HAVE INITIALS FOR NAMES."
* * *
"The only real tragedy when the robot parts spilled out of the corporate elevator was that the five hundred staples I used to eviscerate the robot are not considered "expense budget requisitionable items."
* * *
"(what? you think you're going to get a cryptogenic statement here after receiving so many just now? what are you, nuts? I will plot your demise....you're going to be annihilated by the cocaine-fed sex dwarves that have been extensively trained with five pound anatomically-inproportionate replicas of a horse's....*clunk* zzzzzzzz)"
* * *
"PB: Your defective head meat no longer amuses us. The wheat, it tempts us. Have you never been seduced by the wheat?
Seven: No. Can't say that I have.
PB: You pathetic turgid sack of water. You will take the wheat, and throw it into the toaster. You will warm up our wheat for our inevitable..... SPREADENING.
Seven: That sounds like a horribly convoluted euphemism for sex.
PB: You waste our time. We have weapons.
Seven: But this bread is Uranium-enriched!
PB: Bread. Toaster. Now. Are you connecting all the dots? Good."
* * *
"Never mix INCORRECT experiments with CORRECT toaster usage."
* * *
"Somewhere on I-5, there is a 3 lb. boot with old socks in it, and the words, "I GET TO MEET NEW PEOPLE" written on the steel toe, lying haphazardly on the shoulder."
* * *
"I *might* be wearing pants."
* * *
"Only a true genius would splash liquified butter all over the linoleum floor to prevent the Zombie Wombat Ballet from raiding my refrigerator."
* * *
"After eight hours of unsuccessful attempts at sleep because the werewolf chick was CHEWING ON MY LEG ALL NIGHT, I have a feeling that I may have contracted something that gives me excessive body hair and a loss of memory every full moon."
* * *
"Right now, I'm sitting on my massive beanbag chair, with a fuzz-ball on top of me that is covered from her pointy ears to her toes in hot human blood, and is absolutely relentless in describing me after eating meat soaked with drugs. Something about how she can't get over how "squishy" I am. I stopped paying attention after she saw an arm coming out of my forehead."
* * *
"Q: This is a colon : and this is a semi-colon ; - what's a semi-truck?
A: A semi-truck is a truck that has been emasculated by the cute stretch limousine that tells him he can't see his drinking friends anymore."
* * *
"I can see every last one of you, lying around, thinking, "Somewhere on the Internet, there's a guy selling a foot-long glass penis."
* * *
"There was only one recourse of action. I drove onto the I-5/Pacific Highway on-ramp, and stuffed the scam- artist- dressed- as- a- homeless- man's clothes full of lettuce. Merriment ensued as Portland watched two hundred bunnies chase down this seemingly homeless man. The tidal wave of carnage, bunnies and lettuce invariably brought me downtown."
* * *
"I will rearrange these letters on this Oreo to spell 'Ooer' using the sheer force of my mind."
* * *
"The cryptic warnings read powerful words unto those who gazed upon them: "Ketchup," "Mustard," "Maple Syrup," "Mayonnaise," "Boysenberry Jam," and ever so menacingly, "Peanut Butter."
* * *
"...somewhere in North Carolina, Nightbug is sitting quietly, legs crossed, smiling sweetly, and holding up a neatly printed sign to me that says, "Your HEART is going to EXPLODE." The words "heart" and "explode" are in one of those loopy fonts you see on sappy wedding invitations. That sweet little smile she's sporting instantly tells me, "I've forged my name into your will." This freaks me out."
* * *
"I always listen to women's breasts. <0x0D.7> They speak volumes. For you guys who don't, always keep your ear up to the boobs."
* * *
"There really isn't any better way to wake up. Holding Anya tightly, feeling her hot breath down your back, and hearing her big heart pumping in her chest."
* * *
And with that last line, I've got some serious snuggling to do.
Siouxsie And The Banshees - Peepshow - Peek-A-Boo
Cause And Effect - Another Minute - Another Minute
Depeche Mode - Ultra - Freestate
KLF - Justified & Ancient - All Bound For Mu Mu Land
VNV Nation - Praise The Fallen 2012 - Solitary
Apoptygma Berzerk - 7 - Love Never Dies Part I & II
Project Pitchfork - IO - Antidote
7
Space Core Directive 34124: No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.
