Okay folks. This is going to be a big one.

First.

Has anyone seen my watch-repair tool? I used to be the watch repair guy for a retail store that shall remain unnamed. The watch-repair tool is a long spike, with an insanely sharp, crooked point on one end, and a razor-like chisel on the other end. The whole thing is made out of black iron.

I was cleaning my right ear with it, when I suddenly heard this horrible sucking sound. And then the watch-repair tool was gone. I don't want to check my right ear.

Second.

This one is funny folks. I was watching this "Venus by Gillette" advertisement on a TV. Featuring in this ad were a bunch of scantily-clad ultra-voluptuous women, sitting on a beach, and running the pink razor over their already-shaved, and perfectly tanned legs. *Now here's the funny part.* In several scenes, the tide washes over their legs.

Okay, who's ROFL, and who's not?

Here's the explanation: These ladies, presumably, have just shaven with these razors, and have achieved perfectly smooth and tanned legs. And WHAT JUST washed over their legs?! SALT WATER. If any of you shave, you will know that shaving (even with electric shavers) opens up little cuts all over your skin.

I can just imagine a different outcome from the first scene, other than casually-half-naked women continuing to sing "Venus" by Bananarama.

Third.

Holiday stress is reaching an all time high. It's like watching an animal get angrier and angrier each and every time you beat it with a stick. The mobs of people move with a cohesive "wave" of emotions that tread the borderline between angry and riot. Management quenched my fires of holiday stress with donuts and cash. It's really hard to get truely angry with management where I work.

Fourth.

WHERE DOES MY BREAD GO WHEN I PUT IT IN THE LITTLE RED BOX ON MY COUNTER?!?! I PUT IT IN, AND THEN ONLY TOAST COMES OUT!!!

There's only one logical explanation.

ALIENS ARE JACKING MY BREAD AND LEAVING ME WITH CHEAP, CARBONIZED WHEAT PRODUCTS!!!!

Pride And Fall - Nephesh - December

7

Quickly! Must stay awake! Must....inform.....world....must....

Oops. Consciousness fails.

A Flock Of Seagulls - The Best Of A Flock of Seagulls - I Ran

7

I've just had a most enchanting evening talking with total strangers. Yup. You heard me right.

We were talking in the Chatroom. We got to hear from Pinnsmom, mr_president, mistress_mary, and forevertrue for about two hours. I think that little chat restored a chuck of my faith in humanity. I've been hearing too much from the angry 15-year olds the frequent the online games I play.

Now I know that there are other, more sophisticated people out there. People with genuine intellect and wit, personality and depth.

Sigh. That's enough mush from me.

I hear the train horn, and now I must don my caped-costume and sweep through the downtown Portland Metropolitan area as a figure of terror to all would-be criminals.

Dead Kennedys - Live At The Deaf Club - California Uber Alles

7

Satire

Every second, there is someone out there.....writting a blog.

You, the concerned American, can help put a stop to this. Every day, children across the nation, maybe even your own child. Yes, I know it is a scary thought, but it's the truth. Every second your child runs the risk of talking to other people. And the world is full of those people.

Please do not hesitate to send me as much cash as you feel comfortable donating, and then drinking wood alcohol until you go blind.

Dead Kennedys - Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables - Let's Lynch The Landlord

7

Just another day burning X-Mas presents for others....

I'm just trying to get all the things I've wanted to get done before the end of the year. When 2006 rolls around, I've got to put my nose back to the grindstone (?) and get certified for web programming, and then get a second job.

But oooooh. Think of the cash. Most web programming jobs (corporate ones that is) pay $50-100 an hour, 20-30 hours a month. Does that not make your savings account HUNGRY? Does it not become CASHTHIRSTY?

You bet it does.

Dead Kennedys - Frankenchrist - At My Job

7