*click*

You have joined the Nature Channel during our special edition - "SuperNature." On site in eastern Oregon, we are observing the quiet fields owned by the cattle ranchers that span the several-hundred-mile expanse bordering Washington, Idaho, and Nevada. Here, the cattle graze almost obliviously. Well, let's be honest, they're bovines. They're pretty much oblivious ANYWAY.

(ahem) With the recent reintroduction of the wolf, the cattle are only just starting to see the beginning of a serious predator presence. But it isn't the local lupines that are cause for concern amongst the herd-owners. We had been hoping for an instance of supernatural hunting, and on our way to Hell's Canyon, we got lucky.

We were able to spot a female canis lupus mannaro communis - otherwise known as a Russian werewolf. Even though she was not in her native land, she did not have to do much to adapt from the tundra and forests of northwestern Russia, to the wilderness of northwestern United States. Our team of parapsychologists and zoologists easily spotted her lying amongst the high grass overlooking a herd of cattle.

We were able to set up the telephoto lenses on the cameras just in time for her to pounce into action. Here we watch as the nearly seven foot long female werewolf catapults herself onto a steer that has wandered away too far from the herd. Despite the steer's advantage in size and weight, the werewolf has the advantage of strength, and the five three-inch-long claws on the end of each of her paws.

The struggle is brief and ultimately futile for the steer. The werewolf latches on with all of her claws and proceeds to tear out the the throat. Within a couple of minutes, the steer is finally dead. We observed as she consumed her fresh kill. Dr. Watkins, a Zoologist of fourteen years from UCLA, pointed out a significant bulge in her midriff. It is estimated that this female is approaching the end of her first trimester, and will more than likely consume as much of the steer as possible to feed her gestating litter.

Much like other sub-species of wolf, the female is capable of hunting while pregnant - all the way up until the last three weeks of gestation. What we did find out of place was the lack of the male mate. Typically, the trait of mating for life exists in werewolves just as much as grey wolves.

It was then, that the female werewolf looked towards the herd. We followed her gaze, and saw a naked man covered in tribal warpaint, jumping up and down on a cow - failing to get the cow to even recognize his existence.


Seize - The Other Size Of Your Mind - Unbreakable

7

i have unlimited access

In one of my apartments in Portland, Oregon, my neighbors are the sort of people who firmly believe in the philosophy of "let it be." Really. They don't do a thing. If the Yellow Pages are dumped by their door, they'll ignore it until it decomposes and grows into another tree.

Anya and I have competing theories. Mine is that they are terminally lazy. Anya says they just don't care. Lazy versus Lethargy. We were going to solve this - but unlike being rational like the Mythbusters, we were going to do this the Seven Is Darker way.

I hung a potato with piano wire from their doorway at the exact height of where their faces would be. If they were lazy, then the potato would remain, and if we were lucky - they would occasionally forget and run into the potato. We didn't stay and watch, because we laughed ourselves onto the floor, and into nappy-time.


(Update: The potato is gone. Somehow, losing is always mitigated by Anya's victory dance.)


Nebula-H - H2O - Mobilis In Mobile

7

educational electrotherapy

(Note: This is an account from having watched the CCTV recording later on. I can't say I remember this.)

This morning I was exercising my mind over matter. Anya walked over to the table in her lovely birthday suit, where I sat in stern concentration. I was hovering all of two inches away from a single Oreo. Already, Anya can see that the explanation is going to be a good one. "Okay, what are you doing?"

I pointed to the Oreo, not moving my head a millimeter. "I will rearrange these letters on this Oreo to spell 'Ooer' using the sheer force of my mind."

Anya wasted no time grabbing a bowl of salad, a slab of ham, and a stein of grape juice (for breakfast?!) and sat opposite of me. She watched as I stared at the Oreo. Fast forwarding through the video, breakfast was soon gone. Anya began to fidget in her chair, staring at the wall clock roughly every three minutes.

At about 1:00 PM, Anya's face was a mix of frustration and boredom. Had I bothered to raise my head away from the cookie, I would have seen her raise her right fist up high. "I love you, dearie."

The resulting sound was a combination of a gunshot and a resounding coconut as my head smashed against the table. Evidently, I was still conscious. I stood up so fast the chair flew out from behind me. I pointed victoriously at the Oreo, "I did it! I DID IT! IT SAYS OOER!" And then I ran into the refrigerator that I apparently couldn't see. Anya scooped me up off the floor, sat me back down in my chair with my head on the table, put an ice pack on my head, and then started brewing her favorite coffee.


Bee Gees - Greatest - More Than A Woman

7

i know i'm right, i can feel it in my pants

7

At one point, during my public appearance to maintain the facade that I'm only a simple sales clerk, I was letting someone play around with a Nikon D40X DSLR camera. In order to reduce theft, there was no camera card in the camera. The person, who shall remain nameless, proceeded to turn on the camera, and take a couple of pictures. This person KNEW the camera was on, as the flash popped up and flashed ever time they hit the shutter.

The person tried to look back on all the pictures they had taken, only to have the screen say, "No Card." The person asked why, and I explained about the high theft rate. So, for clarification, the person asked, "So, there's no card, and no battery in this thing?"

I stopped and stared, hoping that the person would think about what they had just said, in the hopes they would correct themselves. The person was unable to see the problem with what they had just said.

All went blank until I found myself sitting in my giant beanbag at home, hugging/groping Anya and asking her to tell me that I'm not surrounded by mindless bovines.


Dramarama - 18 Big Ones - No Regrets

7

GENTLEMEN!!!!