Actually, I've had peace and quiet for a while now. It all started when Anya actually tried to kill me in a fit of hormonal hysteria. I'm lucky to still have my EYES.

I started by searching on Google: "acceptable horse tranquilizers for pregnant women." Most unfortunately, there weren't any. In fact, I'm fairly certain, that if it were possible, I could hear the screams of the women who had access to my search records. But, fortunately, I came across a herbal solution.

Even now, Anya is looking and feeling a lot better. A lot more smiles and hugs, and fewer and definitely less severe mood swings. Now, for you parents out there, I'm fairly certain that as I am the newcomer to the game, what I'm detailing is old hat for you. This will be for all those who are planning.

My first problem was that I'm apparently not supposed to use tranquilizers of any sort. Not even the really mild ones. Which sort of made me feel like I had just been asked to solve a Rubix cube without using my fingers. I harnessed the power of the Internet after calling several public health institutes to hear them scream when I asked questions along the lines of:

"How many tranquilizer darts can I shoot into my wife's butt?"
"I have a few 'mickies' left over. How many can I give to a pregnant six foot seven girl?"
"Will repeated concussions have any adverse upon a woman's pregnancy?"

It seemed like I wasn't allowed to do anything. Hell, there were some sites that said we had to pay the strictest attention to whatever she ate, because even too many vitamins could have adverse effects. But - I FOUND A SOLUTION.

I went out and bought the biggest stainless steel meat tenderizer I could find. And then, I went to Costco and bought the biggest slab of meat I could lay hands on. And then, while pounding the Cthon out of the meat, I sprinkled in powdered red clover blossoms and wrapped up the thing in a layer of seaweed. I swear the whole slab was gone in two minutes and she fell asleep with a big smile on her face in fifteen.

Apparently, not only are those two ingredients quite possibly the healthiest things you can ever eat, but an ounce of red clover blossoms is also a sedative. Hell, even I'm having some. Supposedly, red clover blossom tea is really great for both male and female reproductive organs. Mmmm-hmmmm. Hint, hint, guys.

So now, I have peace, Anya has comfort, and I can sleep at night and wake up with my body in one piece. Better living through science!

Oh and remember! Lasers!


Babylon Zoo - The Boy With The X-Ray Eyes - Fire Guided Light

7

anya loves politicians, but can't eat a whole one