Anya looked at me, paused in the action of bringing a forkful of fine steak to her mouth. "Darling, I want you to know that I love you, unconditionally."

We were in one of the finer restaurants in Portland. The reason why you don't know about it, is because it is for the upper, upper elite. The, ahem, actual world rulers. Sure, the clientele is small, but the atmosphere is amazing. For this occasion, even Anya is sporting her human visage, which she reserves for only two occasions: scouting people to eventually hunt down and eat, and putting up the ultra-rare facade for me.

Her long, silky white hair blended seamlessly into her sparkling white dress. For this dinner, she even got ivory stiletto heels. Unfortunately for me, the table was a few inches too low.

But much like my pants/table problem, Anya was having a problem finishing her dinner. Her fork remained exactly where it was.

"I just want you to know that I love every part of you. There isn't a part of you I'd change." She leaned over and kissed me. "The only thing I won't do is build a shrine complete with plastic replica. I'll romp you in bed so hard you won't be able to walk until morning. And I brag about you to all my girlfriends."

I'm sitting there, smiling, not looking at her. "Dear girl, it drives me crazy to spend more than an hour out of earshot from you. I do suppose that I have a problem articulating my feelings for you. I've never had someone to gush over before. But I do treasure and love you more than I show."

Anya gestured to the other side of the table with the fork still spearing the steak. "Then why him?"

On the other side of the table was a middle-aged man, experiencing hairline recession and a waistband that was catching up with his age. As he was here as a guest of mine, he was still wearing his casual accountant-wear, in stark contrast to the four and five digit suits and dresses that common this restaurant. His round glasses definitely magnified the welling of tears in his eyes. He was trying extremely hard not to burst into tears.

I smiled as the man sat there and tried desperately hard to keep his pants together. "I just had to have a field test."

Anya's face squinched. "You put elephant trunk muscles into his penis!"

I nodded, "And apparently, much like the myth, these muscles do have a memory."

The accountant finally broke into hysterics. "IT'S SHOVING DINNER ROLLS UP MY ASS!!!!"

The pants finally tore, and a penis with the length and grace of a snake shot across the table and grabbed a bun. "OHMYGODNOTANOTHERONE!!!!"


Beastie Boys - Sounds Of Science - Shake Your Rump

7

there's still a bug stuck in there from last time